A Million Little Pieces ... A Million Little Comments

So, I thought it interesting that two of the people that I’m “friends” with on Facebook chose to comment on my quote from James Frey’s book, A Million Little Pieces. What boggles my mind is (1) I was hardly ever friends with them in high school except by acquaintance and (2) they’ve never commented on anything else I’ve written so why start now? … because it’s a controversial book?!?! My purpose to share what I did, was to make a point about addictions. As I was reading it - it really sunk in and I finally grasped a strong understanding of the devastating effects of an addiction - both for the individual and their family. And as many of you know - this would be really significant to me.

Anyways, the quote from Frey’s book is:
"… addiction is a disease. Whether it is to alcohol or drugs or food or gambling or sex or anything else, it is a disease. It is a chronic and progressive disease. It is classified as such by most doctors and by organizations such as the American Medical Association and the World Health Organization. It is a disease that can be arrested, or placed into a state of remission, but that is incurable. No matter how hard we try, no matter what action we take, addiction, she says [the counselor in a group session that Frey is attending], is incurable. Absolutely incurable" (p. 289).

So, after reading the introduction both from Frey and the publishing company – before I ever started reading the book, I knew there’d be some spots that I’d question the validity of what was written. However, I chose this book on my own – it wasn’t recommended to me – I didn’t even know it was on Oprah’s book club list from several years ago. I simply was at Barnes & Noble, had a gift card from my parents for my birthday – and happen to enjoy memoir books. After reading the title and the back of the book I was intrigued in a couple of ways. The first being that I wondered how I’d be able to apply it to my own situations and the second I wanted to hear the author’s story. After all, isn’t that exactly what a memoir is? – the author’s story?
A similar situation could be said about any of Dan Brown’s books. They are all published as fiction works. However, the author has taken the liberty to chose settings, characters, places, and ideas that can be very real and write his story as though they are real. But let me remind you… it is a fictional work. If Brown’s stories are nonfiction – why then we might as well say that Harry Potter is my neighbor and I went to Hogwarts for school.

Anyways, the first page of text in the book offers a note to the reader from Frey. The copy of the book that I have was published in 2004 and it reads
"I embellished many details about my past experiences, and altered others in order to serve what I felt was the greater purpose of the book. I sincerely apologize to those readers who have been disappointed by my actions… I didn’t initially think of what I was writing as nonfiction or fiction, memoir or autobiography. I wanted to use my experiences to tell my story about addiction and alcoholism, about recovery, about family and friends and faith and love, about redemption and hope… I wanted to write a book that would detail the fight addicts and alcoholics experience in their minds and their bodies and detail what that fight is difficult to win. I wanted to write a book that would help the friends and family members of addicts and alcoholics understand that fight."

It is with this knowledge and first page of text that I chose to purchase and read the book. I’m not writing this blog as a defense to anything that has been done, written, or said. I’m simply writing it to say that everyone is going to have their own unique memoir of a given situation. And the only book that I would say could stand against the test of time, people, and judgment is the Bible.

It's been almost 3 months ...

All I wanted today was to be left alone with my books, thoughts, and my little fan… since my upstairs bedroom is not the coolest place here at home. But what came to me instead was the dread of my alarm clock reminding yet again that I really should get up and go running or work out, that I needed to fulfill everyone’s expectations that I go to church, and that yet again – I have no day to sleep in and just relax. All of these expectations I put on myself; and yet, I want to blame the whole world. Perhaps that it is really everything combined:

• Facing that Mark got fired from his job leaving me the stress of attempting to make enough money on my meager UBH salary
• That I’m really missing the fact that I’m not pregnant with our baby
• And that it seems that none of my immediate family could pull themselves together enough to celebrate my birthday as one unit … with a cake.
• And I’m falling into the “not fun to be around” version of Becky, that I vowed to myself I wasn’t going to fall into after I had worked so hard to climb out of that pit while on AT.

Really though, as dumb as it seems to be; it was the fact that my immediate family and my mom and dad and sister and me couldn’t (or wouldn’t) figure out how to all be together for one meal so that we could sing Happy Birthday and have some cake and ice cream. My mom says that all of our schedules wouldn’t line up and it just couldn’t happen. I really don’t believe it. Especially since, everybody was off work on the 1st – and I’m sure we could have found time do it sometime on the weekend of the 4th, too.

I don’t even think it’s the concept of not getting together for my birthday… more or less, it was the Susie’s new apartment and moving her took priority over everything else – like it was a super huge thing that had to get accomplished immediately. It’s’ not that I’m not glad that she has her own apartment… it’s a good thing for her and my parents; but it makes me sad to know that when we’re together, life will always revolve around her because no one wants to upset her. (And Susie, I know you’ll probably read this, that’s fine. Just know that you have some responsibility for everything that happens around you – whether directly or indirectly… it is always there. )

When reflecting on my time in the Army, the short ten years that it’s been; I keep coming back to the fact that I am a completely different person when I am in uniform. I’m confident, free, happy, and enjoy life. I’m not afraid to be me and I’m not concerned with the little things in life… knowing that it all works out in the end. Perhaps it’s because I don’t hold the entire weight of responsibility for everything that happens. I am part of something much larger – and someone that gets paid a whole lot more than me makes all the hard decisions. To some extent, housing-lodging-or meals have been taken care… that or I have enough where-with-all to know where to get it from; and I don’t have to worry about money. However, when I’m at home… the entire burden (?) of responsibility for my family lays on my shoulders. It’s heavy, soul-draining, and tiring. I’d like to put it to one of the leaders of the military to try my life on just for a few months and I’ll take theirs. Perhaps it really is just my perspective on the life that I have right now, that needs to change.

I like to look forward to when my Master’s degree is done and contemplate how I can tie in music, the military and mental health. To me it’s pretty clear: I will work with military families on reintegration, and begin my research for a dissertation (for my doctoral degree) on the effects of music in the military culture.

So really, as I type this out, I’m thinking what is it that creates these frustrations in me? My last class that I took in my Master’s programs was on Introspection and how it’s important to apply self-reflection to all areas of one’s life. What conclusion I’ve come to is that what makes the Army, and Active Duty so attractive to me in the first place is that I am never alone; I always have family nearby. And considering that I am a people-person this is immensely important. The other thing is that I know that I am cared for with them. Have you ever been in a situation where there are hundreds of people around you, and yet you still feel immensely alone? That’s how I feel when I’m not with the band. Actually writing that out was kind of difficult to admit – since many people in my life will choose not to believe it. The best birthday gift that I got this year, as crazy as this sounds, was the Care Bears coloring book – colored in by many of the members of the band; with their pictures clearly depicting their own personalities as well! And with that happy memory, and all of those complete ramblings, I’m going to post this, while thinking of additional thoughts for the next time.