Good Friday

For a couple of years now, I have watched The Passion of the Christ on Good Friday.  This year, in ways that I can't explain, the song "Hosanna" ran through my head much of the movie.  Specifically, the line "break my heart for what breaks yours".  I'm finding more and more that my heart breaks for those that don't know the light and life that Christ brings.

I wonder, reflecting while I'm watching this movie - where would I be?  What crowd would I be in?
Would I be like Mary crying quietly watching her son be beaten, tortured, and crucified? Would I be like Peter, saying "Lord, where you go, I will go."  And then fall back on my word when questioned.  Would I be like Judas and betray the Savior for thirty pieces of silver? Where were the rest of the disciples during this time?

Would I be a Roman guard wondering what the fuss was about? Would I be one of the priests believing that Jesus was a blasphemer, or that he truly was who He said he was?  Would I be the man carrying Jesus' cross for him? Would I be cheering and jeering in the crowd, or weeping on the sides? Would my heart be breaking for what has breaking His?

It's easy to think now, that I would stand by him - strong and courageous; especially when there have been martyrs before me. But would I? Would I be willing to give my life to identify myself as a follower of the King of the Jews? Or even still, could I watch my very own son get treated worse than a criminal for the sake of all the sinners of the world?  Oh - how Mary's heart must have been breaking to know that she couldn't rescue her son from the pain he was experiencing.

Regardless of what role I might have been in - Roman or Jew - I know one thing is that I would still be a sinner in need of a Savior.

So Lord, give me the strength to have a heart that is broken for the things that break your heart. Use me to bring your light to those that do now know you or your love, which mends those broken pieces. Help me to love those that treat me unjustly - just as much as I love the people who love me.

Unexpected Worship

I've sat at my laptop for 45 90 minutes, knowing that I want to write something about this morning's experience, but not really having the words to describe it.  For those that know me, being at a loss of words is rare.  Words are the way that I process things, learn new material, worship God, and communicate (both verbally and written).

I'm learning to accept the fact that what I've experienced - in some people's minds - would classify me as crazy. I'm taking it as physical evidence that God exists, hears my cries and prayers, and encourages me when I don't know what to do with myself.

I pride myself in being independent and being able to take care of myself.  My mom constantly reminds me that I don't need to be Superwoman.  But really, if I'm honest with myself, I feel like those are both my and the world's expectations of me.  I personally want to excel at everything I do.  If it's not the best that I can do, I want to know where I can grow and challenge myself to reach that level.  Self-acceptance of my limitations is most certainly something that I need to work on.  I don't know however, if I've ever, really, been overwhelmed with the knowledge that God cares for me and accepts me as who I am ... dandelions and all... until this last week.  At some time in the middle of small group this last Monday, it really hit me hard - that not only does God love me enough to protect me during the two car accidents that I had, but also that he had brought people into my life who love me and care for me.  It took all of my strength to not get up and leave, and not spontaneously burst into tears ... as I quickly grabbed a few long drinks from my water bottle to quell my emotions and not make eye contact with anyone.

This morning, after I dropped the kids off, I headed up to New Brighton for ongoing training.  I was listening to KTIS, and being an alumni of NWC, I have given to them on-and-off throughout the years.  I had been listening to the Share-a-thon all week, struggling with whether or not I should give and if I were to give, how much.  Somewhere after passing Oakdale on 694, I had decided to call and make a pledge.  The problem was, that they were reporting phone issues, and I knew that if someone didn't answer my call the first time I called, I most likely wouldn't call back.  But some nice gentleman did answer almost immediately.  When he asked if there was any comment that I wanted to add to my pledge, I said no, and hung up.  As soon as I had hung up though, I knew that wasn't true; there it was again - that overwhelming feeling that someone had to hear my story.  So, I called back ... the same thing running through my head - if I get a busy signal or someone doesn't answer - I probably won't say anything; but again, someone answered the phone and I told him that I had just pledged and that I did want to add a comment.

I told him the story of the last month of my life - the prayer challenge, the car accidents, my own frustrations with knowing what God has spoken to me yet feeling like I can't do anything about it, my new belief in the power of prayer.  He was so patient with me, since I pretty much started crying when he answered the phone and it took me several seconds to sometimes compose myself enough to speak.  But when I got through it - he took a deep breath and said "thank you so much for sharing that, I'm going to share that with the team."  So I don't know if he did, but I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't.  I do know that I want God to continue to use me however he can to strengthen others' faith.  And if he blesses me with a tangible sign, like a white dove flying across 694 in the morning sun, I'll remember the promises of His love over and over again.

30 Day Prayer Challenge - day 33

30 days ago, I never would have expected that I could hardly function without my morning routine of a short devotional, prayer, and journaling. This morning, between keeping the kids quiet so they wouldn't wake my sister (she and her two cats are spending the week with us), taking a shower, feeding them, and trying to get out of the door by 8:15am I ran out of time.  I think it had something to do with the fact that my wonderful daughter woke me up at 6:00am, my alarm wasn't scheduled to go off until 6:30am, and I hadn't slept well due to a late night phone call (12:30am), and a late night text (1:15am).

All day to day, I felt "off" and knew that it was because I hadn't started my day out right.  Moriah and I did sing along to a couple of songs on the radio, but it just wasn't the same as my 1:1 time with God. Even when Moriah does wake me up early in the morning, she has gotten used to me sending her away until I'm done with my "devos".

So let this be a lesson to me - there is nothing, NOTHING, that can or should come between me and my morning quiet time with God.

Parenting - 1

In my line of work, as a therapist (and mom), I have had the blessing of learning what works with children, what is helpful, and how hard it is to be a single mom; or to be parents of high-needs children.

Some of the hardest things that I see are parents who don't consider what their children need, spend quality time with their children, and try to be their children's friend.  Now I understand that there are extenuating circumstances: parental mental health, severe illness by a parent or children, or even financial constraints.  But even with all the challenges in life, you are still a mom or dad.  What do you need to do build a relationship with your child? How do you get to know them?

When I voluntarily quit my job October 2012 to complete my Master's degree - I knew that doing so would be a financial burden on me and the kids, but I had no idea the joy and blessings that would come from eliminating money from our relationship.  We had to learn what it was like to live on the bare minimum.  No going out to eat, no fancy birthday parties, no extravagant Christmas shopping, clothes had to be bought from Goodwill.  Those were and are really hard times to work through, but it taught me three incredibly important lessons - the stigma (especially the negativity), and experience that goes along with being "low-income", how to break free of being a slave to money, and the importance of spending time with my children - even going on 1:1 dates with them.

Spending time and doing things with my children, couldn't cost me money.  We learned how to work, play, and worship together.  I had to learn to play with my kids at the park or in the yard or in their rooms, read them stories, bake cookies with them.  We learned how to sort and do laundry together, cook meals, and clean the house together.  We roasted marshmallows on our homemade bonfire pit, and planted a garden when my neighbor donated mulch, plants, and muscles. We learned to work hard, compromise, and respect one another.  I learned the importance of allowing people to help me, and the importance of spending 1:1 time with each of my children.

Was it hard, is it hard? Absolutely!!! Was it worth it?  Absolutely!!!  In fact, it has probably been harder than anything else in my life.  However, there is nothing greater in this world than seeing my children grow up filled with joy, respectful, and successful!

So, when was the last time you had a date with your kiddo?  Shown them love and spent time with them - doing something that they wanted to do???

180 on 694

I started to ease over to the right at the 694/35 split on the east side of the cities and felt the back end of my car start to slide.  I remember consciously thinking "do not touch the breaks" and "God keep me safe" during this whole slow-motion incident.  Across two lanes of traffic, my car swerved and slid towards the right-hand shoulder in the middle of rush hour traffic.  My front right tire grabbed some grass, my left tire contacted solid ground right after, the back end of my car sling-shotted 180 degrees into 4 feet of snow.  When I came to a stop, I couldn't open my driver's side door... Which is probably a good thing because I don't think I could have gotten out and stood up even if I wanted to.  For a couple of minutes (seconds?) I tried to rock my car out of the shoulder. When I realized I wasn't going to get out on my own, I dialed 9-1-1, very calmly said "I'm not hurt, and I think I can drive my car, but I'm in a snow bank on 694." The dispatcher asked me where I was, and thinking back, I must have been a bit in shock since I couldn't figure it out.  I tried explaining to her that I could see the exit signs for 694E/35E from where I was sitting, but obviously that wasn't going to help her. She then asked let me see if I can find you by tracking your phone.  Se tracked my phone and asked if I was near Edgerton or a bridge, I said "No, I don't think so." After a few more minutes (seconds) of her trying to help me she asked, "are you sure you can't see a bridge anywhere?"  Something clicked in me, and I turned around and saw a bridge behind me, I told her that and she said "can you see the name of the bridge?" I said no, but I'd try to see.  I realized then that I was still buckled in my seat, when I unbuckled I saw that it was Edgerton (imagine that) and told her.  She said she'd send someone out.

After watching 3 sets of snow plows go by, speeding semi-trucks that think they own the road, filing my nails, and drinking my tea, 40 minutes later a tow truck and the state patrol pull up.  The state patrol came up to me, asked if I was okay... I said I was a "little" shaky, but that I was fine.  He then, along with the tow truck guy, began to tell me how incredibly lucky I was because 99% of the calls that they respond to in that area are cars that have been t-boned.  They have nick-named that area "pucker alley" reflecting the damage that is done to the cars.

So the tow truck guys wenches my car out, and then proceeds to tell me that he's going to carry my car up to the next exit for me, and put it down in a gas station parking lot because he didn't feel it was safe for me to get back on to the highway where I was at... Free of charge.  After he got done hooking my car up, he said it doesn't look like there's any damage to your car, I'll drive it off the truck bed for you to make sure that it's okay.

Sure enough, we put my car down at the gas station, it works just fine... A little bit of snow stuck in the undercarriage and tires, but absolutely no body damage.

I arrived at work a mere 1 hour late, and sat down and continued with my training class.  We got done early, and as I was walking to my car, the shock of everything hit me on how incredibly lucky, blessed, and protected I was.  It's pretty much overwhelming.

There is no logical reason as to why
- I wasn't hit by another vehicle
- I didn't hit another vehicle
- I wasn't injured
- my car was driveable
- waiting for a tow truck took only 40 minutes instead of 4 hours
- the tow truck guys very graciously was concerned about me as a person and my safety, rather than just my car
- that the shock of everything that happened stayed at bay until after training

Except that God was involved right then and there when I needed Him.

20/30 Day Challenge - Spiritual Warfare

Over the last couple of days there has been a fierce battle going on between my head, my heart, and my soul. 

Some of the dialogue going on in my head right now is
- You're a fool
- You really think something's going to change
- Nothing's changed the first 20 days, what makes you think it will during the next 10

Part of me wants to give up on this 30 day prayer challenge. But I'm not a quitter.  I fight, and I fight hard. And if I make up my mind to do some thing, I do it. But there's a portion of me that feels so defeated.

What physical evidence do I have that things have changed? None. Shoot, I don't even know if my prayers have been effective. Except what's inside of me and the faith that God answers and hears prayer; and what God has shown me and told me and taught me. How do you share that with others? You can't. Do they believe you? No, not in my case, I feel like it's more like they think I'm crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe it is crazy to have a radical faith and not have people trust you. But what do you do? Abandon your faith, the power of prayer, the chance to reach others for Christ?! Not in my lifetime.

A friend of mine brought forth the idea and context of spiritual warfare. She shared with me thoughts are where the enemy usually attacks.  Coincidentally, or not so much, I just found sermon notes from church August 2011 - Supernatural: Spiritual Warfare.

Satan Schemes To:

1. Get you to believe false teaching      2 Corinthians 11:14-15 - And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.
   •     To defeat it: Compare everything you hear back to the Bible. Know the Bible well.
2.  To accuse you.     Most noticeable in our life. Have you heard these thoughts: "You're such a bad parent." "Do you really think you can serve in church with your past life of sin?" "Do you think God wants you to have kids? That's why you struggle with infertility, you know." "It's your fault." "You're dirty." "You're so ugly." "No one around here appreciates me." "Who are you? You don't deserve that." Satan uses past abuse and hurts to trigger negative thoughts and depression.
   •     To defeat it: You frequently remind yourself of standing with God because of Jesus Christ.  Jesus died on the cross to see you with rich garments, not filthy clothes (sin).
3. To stop us from going where God wants us to go.     1 Thessalonians 2:18 - We wanted to come to you - certainly I, Paul, did, again and again - but Satan stopped us.
        What would Satan want to keep me from right now?
   • To defeat it: Push through resistance.
         The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they can't see the light of the gospel and the glory of Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4). - "He'll stop at nothing to stop you from going where God wants you to go... Satan wants you to think that resistance or difficulties or challenges in life means that you are out of God's will. Resistance is not a sign that you are out of God's will. In fact, a lot of times, the exact opposite is true. That when you experience resistance or difficulties in life, it's because you've never been more in God's will. You're so close to what God wants for you in your life that Satan is throwing up resistance and roadblocks to you." ~ Jason Strand, EBC.
4.  To get you to doubt God
        Most of us doubt God when our prayers aren't answered in promptly.  Daniel waited 21+ days. A lot of us would have given up... thinking that prayer is a joke; clearly God doesn't hear me. "Here's what happens to most of us. We pray about something, and when it's not immediately answered. We start to doubt God. Satan then uses that doubt to lead us into sin or temptation." ~ Jason Strand, EBC.
   • To defeat it: Pray and wait in faith
   
    All I have to say is, wow.