When you're going through a season of life that feels like you're being tested in every direction and way possible, it's sometimes hard to see how anything good can come of it. When you truly feel like you can empathize with Job and you don't understand the purpose of what you're going through, it's hard to feel like God hears your cries and understands your struggles.
I have had Psalm 20:4-5 taped to my laptop for a couple of months now. It reads, "May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of God. May the Lord grant all your requests."
I started praying this about two months ago, that God would challenge me to figure out what exactly the desire of my heart was/is. I was challenged to let go of control. One morning, I felt this distinct impression challenging me - would I give up the most important things in my life? What would I sacrifice for Him? So I started to pray for peace of mind with the idea of giving up the things that I hold dear in this life.
The funny thing is... or maybe not so funny thing is I thought I had let go of control in my life. I thought I had relinquished it to God. But once I really started to challenge myself on that, I realized that that wasn't the case at all. My prayers - instead of focusing on what I wanted, started to change...
"I walk by faith Lord. That is all I can do. I am scared and so I rely on you for strength. I am anxious so I rely on you for peace. I am hopeful and so I rely on your power and grace."
"I do trust you Lord even if I don't understand. I know that your way is the perfect way. While I'm waiting, I will continue to serve you in whatever what I can."Then finally, I laid it all out "If I am honest with myself, I don't always trust You fully with all of the details of my life." God finally had my attention - my eyes were opened. It was almost as if, as soon as I realized that I still struggled with trust and control, I received the peace I had been praying for. And now, many weeks later, I realized that God really did know what He was doing all along. As I've continued to quiet myself and develop a deeper trust in God's ability to take care of me even when it doesn't seem like it, I've noticed that the desires of my heart have been changing.
The peace that I expereinced
