A Conversation with God

- You know what God? I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling attacked.  I'm tired of feeling like I care for others and no one cares for me.
- I'm all you need.
- I don't care, I'm done.
- You don't mean that. 
- Seriously, now "Changed" is on the radio... not funny.
- Put on My armor
- Sigh.  I just want to know the purpose behind all of this God.  I'm tired of getting a random card from my daughter, having a specific sentence in a book stand out to me.  Responding to a thought, and getting nothing.  It's just not fair.  Why can't I have people in my life that treat me the way I treat them.
- You don't like the way I made you? Put on My armor.
- It's not that, it's just... I don't konw
- I'm all you need.
- I know, but still.
- Patience, daughter.
- Fine. Your armor is...
    "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." (Ephesians 6:10-18).
- It will all be restored
- Yeah, right.
- You don't trust me?
- Yes, but restore what?
     "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (1 Peter 5:6-11).
- Fine.  But seriously, testing me and tempting me and frustrating me and causing me to doubt myself isn't going to shake me faith.
- It isn't? You seemed pretty riled up.
- That's, ... ok. Fine. By my head never doubted even if my heart does.
- The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:7-8)
- Yeah, well, I loved and look where it got me.
- You still love.
- So, what.
- It covers a multitude of sins.
- What does that mean?
- Read on.
- Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. (1 Peter 4:9-11).
- Ok?
- Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. (1 Peter 3:1-4)
- I don't consider myself very gentle, nor do I have a quiet spirit.
- You are selfless, you are a gentle and loving mother and friend to all that are near to you.
- Ha, probably to a fault... it hasn't gotten me very far in life.
- It hasn't? What about in the band? With your small group? The children you are raising for me.
- What does the band have to do with it?
- Remember what Chief said
- Oh. Why does this have to be so hard?
- Your strength is in me.
- I know.  But still.
- Yes, still yourself in me.  "Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." (Psalm 28:6-7)

Cherishing our Blessings

"I'm learning to give God a little credit. If imperfect fathers love to bestow blessings on their children, imagine how our perfect Father in heaven must delight in giving good gifts to us, his beloved children." - Bill Hybels

The above quote got me thinking (I know... something I never do!) about the gifts that are given to us. Or answered prayers and blessings.   Think about the last time that you got a job offer that you've wanted for a long time, an answer to prayer, or a friendship that you didn't deserve.  For myself, those blessings, those gifts - are cherished far more than the normal every day blessings that I might overlook. 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines cherish as (1) to hold dear: feel or show affection for, or to keep or cultivate with care and affection; and (2) to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely.  Subsequently, synonyms listed for cherish are "adore, love, worship"; while antonyms are "abhor, abominate, despise, detest, execrate, hate, loath". More than the definition, it was the synonyms and antonyms that helped open my eyes up to the things that I cherish.  The more I thought about it, the things that I cherish are things that I received, that I most certainly didn't deserve.  The more you cherish something - whether it is a person, place, thing, or idea - the more you value it, hold it dear to your heart, and the more invested in it you become.

Some of the things that I cherish
(1) My faith and salvation, drawing closer to God
(2) My children

(3) Relationships with people who value me for who I am  
(4) The ability to play the clarinet/music
(5) Time with loved ones while they are in our lives

What are the blessings that you cherish?  Have you thanked God for that blessing? Do you treat it (or him or her) like you cherish them?

Thoughts for the day on "faith"

Last night before I went to sleep I was reading in Bill Hybels' book Too Busy Not to Pray and he was discussing the importance of taking the first step and gave the example of the priests/people crossing the Jordan River.  Joshua tells us, "See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord or all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you... and as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord - the Lord of all the earth - set foot in the Jordan, it's waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap.  Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge. The water from upstream stopped flowing (3:11, 13, 15, 16).

Hybels goes on to write that "God didn't give the priests absolute proof or even overwhelming evidence that the waters would part. He did nothing until they put their feet in the water, taking the first step of commitment and obedience. Only then did he stop the flow of the river. In the same way, mountain-moving faith will be given to us as we step out and follow the Lord's direction" (p. 84).

Then I read Hebrews 12, then Hebrews 11, and then Hebrews 13 this morning. In my handwritten notes from before, for the beginning of Hebrews 11 wrote, "step out in the dark and trust in God to light your path."  I highlighted verses 1 and 6.
- Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
- And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

I don't really know why this stuck out for me today.  Part of it, I think and feel, stems from my unexplainably poor attitude on Thursday, and my dwelling on the things that I don't have in this life.  But by Friday morning, I woke up to worship songs in my head and was reminded that THIS is where God has made my path to go today.  Maybe it is because what I thought what was a strong faith is becoming even deeper? Another thing that came to mind is that a friend said a few months ago, that whenever he follows God's prompting, he's blessed by that (... maybe not a quote, but at least my paraphrase of what I heard).  Do I trust in my God and have faith like that?  I'm certainly not perfect, and being human I will have my doubts.  Overall, through my battle within me to slow down and listen, and to let God be in control rather than me, I'm learning.  I am more ready now to follow by faith where God is leading me, than I ever have before.

Sometimes you just have to ask, "God, why?!"

I woke up this morning with a "I don't care" attitude.  I hate that... and I hate that I don't know why.  Days like this make me cry.  There's really no reason for it.  Maybe part of it is because I'm jealous of a friend that is on a missions trip to Haiti right now, she looks SO joy-filled.  Being the sole provider and single parent to children makes it incredibly difficult to take a missions trip. It makes it even more difficult when you don't have PTO or any extra money just laying around so that you could still pay your bills even if you were to go.  Maybe part of it is because it seems like every time I think I'm getting ahead (and perhaps I get prideful) I get knocked down.  Sometimes, I feel as if I'm on the brink of losing everything all the time... which maybe makes me cherish it even more.

Today is one of those days, that I just struggle with that and what the purpose of this path in my life is. There's really no reason for it.  I have more blessings than I can even think of.  I know I'm burned out.  I give so much of myself.  Being a single mom is by far the most selfless thing in my life.  I am so glad for missions trips - and at some point - I know I'll be able to go on one again.  But I don't need to go on a mission trip to selflessly serve.  I serve my children every day and am astonished at the joy that flows through them and am blessed by them.  And then I get a card from Moriah and am reminded of the powerful ways that God can use children in our lives.

I don't question God's plan. In fact, I know that his timing and purpose far exceeds what I will ever understand.  Maybe I'm just ready for spring...  

30 Day Challenge

I'm one third of the way through a 30 day challenge to pray every day and purposely identify the blessings that occur in my life.  I'm reading about prayer, studying the Word, and ultimately trying to hear God despite all of the chaos in my life.  Sometimes it's really hard to hear God when you're busy being a single mom, trying to manage the household, work, co-parent, and get caught up in the drama of general day-to-day life.  

Before I even started this challenge, I felt that God prompted me to take off a month from my small group.  When I was first told to take time off from the group from a couple of other people, I balked at the idea.  Those are MY friends, that it is MY group, that is MY time to spend with adults doing something I enjoy.  I became very defensive towards not going on Monday nights.  Last night was my first night not going.  At first, I felt incredibly guilty.  But then I stopped, and began to worship and listen to see if I could hear what God's purpose was during this time. 

At some point during this last summer, my motives for leading a small group were questioned.  Since then, up until last night, I often questioned if I really was where God called me to be at.  I was pretty sure that it was where I was supposed to be, but I couldn't put into words why.  So I finally slowed down enough to listen to God about this and examined my motives for leading the group.  I had been listening to "Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets over and over again.  It was my constant prayer last night.  I can now say that serving as a small group leader feeds my soul by allowing me to care, serve, support, and encourage people in a healthy, non-codependent way.  I am encouraged by praying for them and seeing them grow. I am energized simply by being with them and growing with them.

I am looking forward to the other purposeful ways that God will make himself clear to me in the upcoming weeks. 

Dare to be Different

I currently have over 100 books on my "to read" book list.  This book list keeps growing - there are books on there that I have read before and never finished, there are books that I've read many times and simply want to read again, and there are books on there that have been sitting on my bookshelf and I've never read them.  I've created this book list to remind me to continue growing intellectually; especially since I'm not in school anymore.  So, this is the year (or the next couple) that they will get read.  However, after finishing For Women Only I was struggling with which one to read next.  I have a couple of books that I'm part way through, but I didn't have the focus for any of them.  So I scrolled through the list on my phone and found the title Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance.  I seriously wasn't wanting to read another book on relationships, especially after reading Boundaries in Dating and For Women Only ... I was really thinking another title on my list might entice me... but it didn't.  So, I decided I'd read the first chapter and see if it had anything good to say.

Let me tell you, even in the introduction, I was like... "Hmmm... even though this was published in the 1990s and I have no idea where I got it from, it's not too bad.  Maybe I'll read chapter 1."  Then I got to a section in chapter one entitled "Dare to be Different".  I have ALWAYS felt that I have done things differently. I like doing things differently, rather than being a follower.  I'm okay with the fact that the choices that I make might not make sense to the rest of the world or my parents or my sister or whomever... but to trust myself and the ways that God prompts me.

And then I read this...
(taken from the book Choosing God's Best, 1998, p.28)

Dare to be Different

Starting in a new direction is usually frightening, particularly if everyone else isn't moving in the same direction you are. How many people do you know who have purposely chosen not to date because they are waiting for that one person God has chosen for them? Scary, isn't it? Yet God calls His people to a higher standard than the standard of the world. The basic demand on the Christian is the demand to be courageously different. And that's precisely where the problem lies - courtship makes you different.

The world likes a pattern and is suspicious of nonconformity. How distinct should the line be between the man and woman of the world and a follower of Christ? Jesus clearly states that when we come to Him by faith, God has chosen us out of the world (John 15:19). We can no longer be "part of the group" in the same way as before.

It takes faith and courage to wait on God. [BOY! Haven't I learned this lesson the hard way!] "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14). Waiting for the Lord means pausing for further instructions. We get in trouble when we make decisions impulsively [yup], without waiting for God's timing and God's thinking. "But I'm thirty years old," you say. What does age have to do with it? Some people are forty years old and unmarried. While you're saying "poor them," they'll be saying "poor you" if you marry the wrong person. God has a reason for requiring patience... Let your heart take courage so you can resist following your own schedule and timing rather than God's, so you can resist the pressure of other people's attitudes and opinions, and so you can resist your own fear of failing to find a relationship.

I shared my previously written personal boundaries in dating with another person that I've known for a long time, and he said "poor guy".  I, however, disagree.  And now those personal boundaries in dating are even further amended to reflect what I believe is aligned with what a God-honoring relationship would look like.  The things that I have chosen and the way that I have chosen to live my life have to be different. They are a reflection of my desire to follow God in everything that I do, my desire for growth, and a need to protect my children. 

Learning from Past Mistakes

I'm reading through the book For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn.  This isn't the first time that I've read through it, but it certainly is the first time that my eyes have been opened to the way that I had previously treated the men in my life. I've been so truly convicted and challenged to examine the effects of my words and actions before they occur.  It's been very, very humbling to realize how much hurt I may have unintentionally caused the men in my life that I so deeply respect and honor.

Up until recently, I had no idea why something that I would say - like advice or an unasked for opinion, albeit innocently enough, would make a guy so upset and angry.  Does it really come down to what I say to him, and that it comes across to him as disrespectful?

That, by far, is the last thing that I would want to do.  Yet, even in the last month I can think of two incidents with two different men where I did - completely unintentionally - come across as being disrespectful and/or not supporting of them or their abilities.  I know this because both of them got angry or at least reacted angrily/frustrated towards me directly.  I was clueless - I was like "What did I do?!"  But now, looking back, I can see how my words would have questioned their abilities and torn them down, rather than building them up.  And the crazy thing is that these are men whom I respect, hold in the highest esteem, that are strong and competent, and could do anything.

Yet, my lack of awareness, insight, and insensitivity made these two men feel less, rather than more.  I cut them down rather than affirmed them and their abilities.  I wish I could tell either of them how deeply and truly sorry I am for doing this.  And how I wish they would be comfortable enough to tell me when I do this so that I can be more aware of it.  No wonder some marriage experts say that you should continue learning about your significant other - striving for a PhD in who they are.  There is so much to learn about the opposite sex; I sometimes wonder about how people do make it work in long-term relationships. I suppose it's a journey and commitment that they make together to God and to one another.

Dates and Mates

I was supposed to go on a date this Thursday. A first date - on Valentine's Day, but I realized it wouldn't be fair to me or the guy. You see, my heart and my head wouldn't be in it. If I'm honest, though, I was really excited at first.  But the more I thought about it, the excitement came from the fact that another man in this world found me attractive... not because I was excited to get to know him or spend time with him.  I won't play games with myself or any other person.

After my breakup in December, I chose the date in my calendar of March 4th being when I would allow myself to date again.  I chose that date because it was the end of the Boundaries in Dating study that my small group is studying.  There are ways that I was dating prior to this study that weren't being true to myself, and one of those is that I need to stick to what I believe.  I believe there is a reason that God prompted me towards that date and I need to trust Him and myself.

So, I've told the guy and cancelled the date. Reading the below letter from my dear friend Kari, written to me when I graduated from high school, also helped me to be able to make that choice.  I hope you enjoy it and learn as much from it as I have.

...    Becky, your mom has asked us to give you some advice on choosing a mate. First of all, remember that marriage is for a lifetime. It is a commitment. A pastor told me years ago... do everything you want to do before you get married.  To choose a mate is a very serious decision.  I (Kari) personally made a list of qualities when I was 16 years old & prayed over it. Yes, my list changed over the years, because I changed. That is normal. Your list will change too, as your own personal values, character, & personality continue to mature.

As a Christian couple, we pray you will want to marry a man who is a Christian.  There is no other human relationship which is as fulfilling, joy-filled, & fun, as a marriage relationship in which you can share all things, including your love of Christ. The Bible says do not be unequally yoked... This command has two equally important lessons for us.  It means don't marry an unbeliever, because you will be unevenly yoked.  If he does not believe in Christ, you will not share the same values, morals, and purpose for life & your dreams for a joy-filled marriage will become a joy-less reality.  It also means don't marry someone in the Christian faith who is unevenly yoked with you. Just because he is a Christian doesn't mean he is the one whom God ordained for you to marry.  Seek a mate who loves Christ as deeply as you love Him, & who accepts Jesus as both Saviour & Lord of his life.  Remember, all Christians are sinners.  Use discernment.  And PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!!! Psalm 20:4 - May he give you the desire of your heart, & make all your plans succeed...

 Who could have guessed that all these years later, that this wisdom would be applicable now?  That I would have a Christian woman that I could trust, go to, and call my friend - that used to be my youth director!  The list of qualities she mentions above - I believe, is important.  I created my list when I was in junior high and it did change.  I revisited it and modified it once I divorced, and again when I recommitted to living as a Christian woman and mom.  That list really hasn't changed a whole lot since then, although in addition to the qualities that I find important, and I use that to help me be wise and discerning when it comes to dating and seeing through my emotions.

I echo Kari's prayer, especially for all of us that are single Christians... have faith, pray, and trust in HIM!  He knows your heart and your desires.

My Lifelong Goals

I've had many coincidences occur over the last few weeks in my life. Except, they're really not coincidences, are they?  They're real life ways that God is working in my life.  Miracles, really.

One such "coincident" occurred when I wrote an email to a friend last week sharing that I needed to get refocused on what's important in my life.  To become someone that is life-giving, instead of life-draining.  And that while I appreciate, and am even thankful for having emotions, that I have to be able to have a good-strong control of them.  Then, yesterday, I ran across the book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.   Well, shoot.  I felt like that was exactly what I hadn't done.  Even the cover of the book was like a picture out of my own head - a woman bent over with her head stuck in a purse.  Then I got to thinking - at one point in my life, my goal was to be a "Wife of Noble Character" (Proverbs 31)... what happened to that person? I, personally, think she got lost.   So, I started thinking and reading, and thinking some more... I should read that one book - The Prayer of Jabez ... I had started it a while back - after it was recommended to me by a former pastor; but I never finished it.  Last night, I read the whole thing... and although it scares me to death, I committed to praying it for 30 days...

Coincidence in timing? I don't think so.  Because tomorrow night is my last night in my small group until March 11th.  When I come back to the group - it will be day 30.  I didn't even realize the timing until I woke up this morning.  Then I started thinking, what will this 30 days look like? 

And then there was this morning's sermon... "I don't have time" and "How do I number my days?" and "Life Long Goals"...  So I started thinking... is it a coincidence that I'm hearing a sermon on how to use my time - when I just freed up Monday evenings... what am I going to do in that time... how am I going to accomplish my lifelong goals... am on a path to accomplish them?  So, to all who read this, ask me how I'm doing on my 30 day challenge, ask me how I'm doing in becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, challenge me to grow in my faith. Because I am excited and scared to see how God is going to mold me and work through me over this next month.

My Lifelong Goals
 1. Grow in my faith and relationship with God throughout my whole life.  Remembering that there will be peaks and valleys and that this is a goal not for one day, one week, or one year; but for one lifetime.

2. Raise Godly children by setting an example for them and teaching them good, life-long spiritual and personal habits.

3. Reach others for Christ by being a light for the every day people in my life.

4. Be a Godly wife - become a Proverbs 31 woman - who honors, encourages, respects, and supports her husband.