Friday, April 16, was supposed to be a normal, 11 week/1st trimester appointment. However, when Anne, my midwife, couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat, she told me that there were two options. The first one would be to wait a week or so and come back to see if they could hear it; or to schedule an ultrasound and visibly check the baby. At this point – I was already an hour late for drill; so I opted to have an ultrasound as soon as possible - fortunately they were able to get me an emergency ultrasound appointment for 12:30pm.
During the ultrasound, the tech – Laura, asked if I was sure that I was 11 weeks along – I said I was; she went on to tell me that this baby is only measuring 6 weeks. After hearing that, I knew whatever news came out of that appointment wouldn’t be good. Laura didn’t seem comfortable with what she was seeing; so she had another ultrasound tech come in and verify what she was seeing. Both of them left, and Laura stated that they would have the radiologist review the ultrasound and call me. Well, about 10 minutes later, the phone rang and it was Anne on the other line. She stated that she was very sorry, but that she had some bad news to share with me. The baby was indeed measuring about 6-7 weeks, that it didn’t appear to have a viable heartbeat, and that it appeared to be developing abnormally. And as a result of these findings with the pregnancy, I should expect to have a miscarriage. She walked me through what to expect, although, to be honest, I didn’t have a piece of paper, was entering into an emotional shock, and was pretty upset. It did help to hear over the phone that Anne was upset by the news as well.
After the appointment, I went home and told Mark what had happened and would be happening. After awhile I decided to go ahead and go into drill to try and take my mind off of everything. When I finally got there, I noticed that no one was around – they were all doing the SRP and I really felt that I needed to talk to someone and share what I was going through. There’s something to be said about letting people know your grief and sorrow – not to drag them in with you, but to give you a supportive hug or listening ear when you really need it.
I busied myself helping other soldiers until my commander came into the office and I asked him if I could talk to him. I told him everything that I had found out in the few previous hours. I also told him (even though cognitively and spiritually I know it’s not true), through many heart-felt and deep sobs, that somehow I felt that I deserved this – especially since I considered having an abortion or giving the baby up for adoption when I first found out that I was pregnant. He told me, very lovingly, that this most certainly wasn’t true and that there’s often no known reason for why these things happen. A little while later, his wife said to me “You chose life,” which, I think was probably just what I needed to hear; and I believe that I will hold on to that for quite some time. I stuck through the drill weekend, although I don’t really remember much of it – except being glad that I was playing music with the concert and jazz bands – which certainly helped take my mind off of everything. There really is something very therapeutic about music.
Considering that Mark said I was starting to shut down on Friday night and retreat into my shell, we decided that mostly for my emotional well-being, but also to help overcome any physical pain that I would endure, that I’d take off at least Monday and Tuesday and maybe more if I needed it. At first I was concerned with the amount of time I was going to be taking off of work (3 days last week for Army + 1 day because I was sick – which actually I should have gone to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, but didn’t because of concerns with time off), but then I got to thinking, “Ya know, I work for a behavioral health company; and if they don’t understand that, then tough for them”. .. However, at this point in the grieving process, I was a little frustrated because my boss called me and said that I could certainly use the bereavement policy for three of the days that I am out so that I don’t have any “unexcused absences”. She did state that if I felt I needed additional time off, I would have to call HR to start the FMLA process; which frankly I have neither the motivation nor energy to work through.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned … in the last 4 short days; is that there is no 1-size fits all formula for grief. It ebbs and flows just like the ocean current. I can be fine for several hours in a row; and then there are times that I just want to curl up in a ball, lay on the bed, and cry – mourn – and process everything that this means. Life isn’t meant to be cut short and I know that for reasons beyond my control and understanding that this happens. But even with that knowledge it doesn’t make this any easier. Although my attitude towards this pregnancy and baby were quite negative to begin with; it wasn’t long until I had fallen completely in love with this baby just like my other two children.
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