I'm learning to accept the fact that what I've experienced - in some people's minds - would classify me as crazy. I'm taking it as physical evidence that God exists, hears my cries and prayers, and encourages me when I don't know what to do with myself.
I pride myself in being independent and being able to take care of myself. My mom constantly reminds me that I don't need to be Superwoman. But really, if I'm honest with myself, I feel like those are both my and the world's expectations of me. I personally want to excel at everything I do. If it's not the best that I can do, I want to know where I can grow and challenge myself to reach that level. Self-acceptance of my limitations is most certainly something that I need to work on. I don't know however, if I've ever, really, been overwhelmed with the knowledge that God cares for me and accepts me as who I am ... dandelions and all... until this last week. At some time in the middle of small group this last Monday, it really hit me hard - that not only does God love me enough to protect me during the two car accidents that I had, but also that he had brought people into my life who love me and care for me. It took all of my strength to not get up and leave, and not spontaneously burst into tears ... as I quickly grabbed a few long drinks from my water bottle to quell my emotions and not make eye contact with anyone.
This morning, after I dropped the kids off, I headed up to New Brighton for ongoing training. I was listening to KTIS, and being an alumni of NWC, I have given to them on-and-off throughout the years. I had been listening to the Share-a-thon all week, struggling with whether or not I should give and if I were to give, how much. Somewhere after passing Oakdale on 694, I had decided to call and make a pledge. The problem was, that they were reporting phone issues, and I knew that if someone didn't answer my call the first time I called, I most likely wouldn't call back. But some nice gentleman did answer almost immediately. When he asked if there was any comment that I wanted to add to my pledge, I said no, and hung up. As soon as I had hung up though, I knew that wasn't true; there it was again - that overwhelming feeling that someone had to hear my story. So, I called back ... the same thing running through my head - if I get a busy signal or someone doesn't answer - I probably won't say anything; but again, someone answered the phone and I told him that I had just pledged and that I did want to add a comment.
I told him the story of the last month of my life - the prayer challenge, the car accidents, my own frustrations with knowing what God has spoken to me yet feeling like I can't do anything about it, my new belief in the power of prayer. He was so patient with me, since I pretty much started crying when he answered the phone and it took me several seconds to sometimes compose myself enough to speak. But when I got through it - he took a deep breath and said "thank you so much for sharing that, I'm going to share that with the team." So I don't know if he did, but I have no reason to believe that he wouldn't. I do know that I want God to continue to use me however he can to strengthen others' faith. And if he blesses me with a tangible sign, like a white dove flying across 694 in the morning sun, I'll remember the promises of His love over and over again.
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