Afraid to Hope

My first email to church about going on a missions trip was in early spring of this year.  I had recently had the privilege of hearing stories from the Norwegians that were visiting Minnesota, and I just knew that if there was any place that I wanted to go it was Norway. I feel as if God has placed a desire in my heart to go there. 

But, there were some logistical things... primarily the dates of the trip.  Financing was obviously a big concern, but at the time I was assuming I would have a full-time job and have saved enough to cover the cost.  Little did I know that I would end up having to rely on the help of family to pay my bills over the summer in order to make ends meet.  

So, my first email to the Global Impact team was simply to ask about if there would be a trip. (I didn't know that EBC had been sending a team since 2006!) So, I found out that yes, in fact, there would be two trips, and the dates were 10/28-11/4 and 11/4-11/11. Well, the second week would conflict with my formal concert for the Army; so that only left the first week!  I filled out my application and waited to hear more.

Throughout this time, I was transitioning between jobs.  I left the company that I had interned for and took another position working with adults.  What sounded like a good opportunity quickly became stressful and ended up significantly impacting me financially.  I didn't have the money to put gas in my car, drive to clients' homes, pay for daycare, and then not get paid when my clients didn't show up.  I was devastated and I didn't know what to do.  This was the first time I considered not going on the missions trip to Norway.

Sometime before I left for my two weeks of active duty; I listened to how excited some of the people in my life were for me to be able to go on this trip.  I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was considering not going because I didn't know how I was going to pay for it.  I wasn't feeling the same excitement, anymore. 

This looming feeling of sadness and frustration and disappointment in having to pull out of the trip was always just underneath the surface. Finally, it became evident to me that fundraising wasn't working for me and I had no way of paying for the difference of the trip.  I sent an email to the trip coordinator and told her that didn't feel that I could go on the Norway trip because fundraising wasn't going well and I couldn't afford to pay for the difference of the trip.

Fortunately, she said that she still felt that I should come the next day to the meeting and we could talk more then.  Then I told the ladies in small group that I didn't think I was going to Norway. They overwhelmingly supported me going and reaffirmed that God would provide a way.  After small group that night, I sat in my car and prayed. I posted a note on the PrayerWorks website.

Tuesday came, and I still didn't know if I was going to go to the meeting.  I didn't have child care, so I would have to bring the kids with me to the meeting.  Later that afternoon I got an email from my prayer partner encouraging me to come to the meeting. So I went to the meeting, half distracted because of having the kids there, and trying not to cry because I was realizing that I really did want to go on the trip and I didn't have a way to make that possible. After the meeting I was approached by another EBCer that was going on the trip and asked me how things were going.  I was honest about how I was frustrated with life and fundraising and it wasn't going as I expected.  I then was informed, that regardless of how fundraising was going, that I would be going on the trip.

I was am so overwhelmed by this gift.  I don't deserve it and I did absolutely nothing to earn it.  But then, as I was driving home that night; I realized how much that paralleled what Christ did for us.

After speaking with my small group pastor at church, I was telling him how there was this excitement that seemed to be unleashed within me for going to Norway and building relationships with the people that I meet there.  He reflected back to me that maybe there were some defense mechanisms holding me back.  He was absolutely right.  I was afraid to hope that God would provide a way for me when I knew I couldn't do it myself.

Through grace, prayer, and blessing though, God has once again proved his faithfulness to me... even though he doesn't have to.  I am now looking forward to what God has in store for me once I get there! 

I still need your help, though!  I have raised about 26% of the cost of the trip.  And would love to have your support and encouragement.  To support me financially, go to http://ebcgiv.convio.net/goto/Becky.  To support me with prayer or words of encouragement, feel free to post them on my FB page or via email!  I also LOVE getting real mail, as well!


P.S.  Recently published in EBC's annual publication Canvas an article entitled, "Why Norway" was written.  Read it here, on page 54!