Afraid to Hope

My first email to church about going on a missions trip was in early spring of this year.  I had recently had the privilege of hearing stories from the Norwegians that were visiting Minnesota, and I just knew that if there was any place that I wanted to go it was Norway. I feel as if God has placed a desire in my heart to go there. 

But, there were some logistical things... primarily the dates of the trip.  Financing was obviously a big concern, but at the time I was assuming I would have a full-time job and have saved enough to cover the cost.  Little did I know that I would end up having to rely on the help of family to pay my bills over the summer in order to make ends meet.  

So, my first email to the Global Impact team was simply to ask about if there would be a trip. (I didn't know that EBC had been sending a team since 2006!) So, I found out that yes, in fact, there would be two trips, and the dates were 10/28-11/4 and 11/4-11/11. Well, the second week would conflict with my formal concert for the Army; so that only left the first week!  I filled out my application and waited to hear more.

Throughout this time, I was transitioning between jobs.  I left the company that I had interned for and took another position working with adults.  What sounded like a good opportunity quickly became stressful and ended up significantly impacting me financially.  I didn't have the money to put gas in my car, drive to clients' homes, pay for daycare, and then not get paid when my clients didn't show up.  I was devastated and I didn't know what to do.  This was the first time I considered not going on the missions trip to Norway.

Sometime before I left for my two weeks of active duty; I listened to how excited some of the people in my life were for me to be able to go on this trip.  I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was considering not going because I didn't know how I was going to pay for it.  I wasn't feeling the same excitement, anymore. 

This looming feeling of sadness and frustration and disappointment in having to pull out of the trip was always just underneath the surface. Finally, it became evident to me that fundraising wasn't working for me and I had no way of paying for the difference of the trip.  I sent an email to the trip coordinator and told her that didn't feel that I could go on the Norway trip because fundraising wasn't going well and I couldn't afford to pay for the difference of the trip.

Fortunately, she said that she still felt that I should come the next day to the meeting and we could talk more then.  Then I told the ladies in small group that I didn't think I was going to Norway. They overwhelmingly supported me going and reaffirmed that God would provide a way.  After small group that night, I sat in my car and prayed. I posted a note on the PrayerWorks website.

Tuesday came, and I still didn't know if I was going to go to the meeting.  I didn't have child care, so I would have to bring the kids with me to the meeting.  Later that afternoon I got an email from my prayer partner encouraging me to come to the meeting. So I went to the meeting, half distracted because of having the kids there, and trying not to cry because I was realizing that I really did want to go on the trip and I didn't have a way to make that possible. After the meeting I was approached by another EBCer that was going on the trip and asked me how things were going.  I was honest about how I was frustrated with life and fundraising and it wasn't going as I expected.  I then was informed, that regardless of how fundraising was going, that I would be going on the trip.

I was am so overwhelmed by this gift.  I don't deserve it and I did absolutely nothing to earn it.  But then, as I was driving home that night; I realized how much that paralleled what Christ did for us.

After speaking with my small group pastor at church, I was telling him how there was this excitement that seemed to be unleashed within me for going to Norway and building relationships with the people that I meet there.  He reflected back to me that maybe there were some defense mechanisms holding me back.  He was absolutely right.  I was afraid to hope that God would provide a way for me when I knew I couldn't do it myself.

Through grace, prayer, and blessing though, God has once again proved his faithfulness to me... even though he doesn't have to.  I am now looking forward to what God has in store for me once I get there! 

I still need your help, though!  I have raised about 26% of the cost of the trip.  And would love to have your support and encouragement.  To support me financially, go to http://ebcgiv.convio.net/goto/Becky.  To support me with prayer or words of encouragement, feel free to post them on my FB page or via email!  I also LOVE getting real mail, as well!


P.S.  Recently published in EBC's annual publication Canvas an article entitled, "Why Norway" was written.  Read it here, on page 54!

Dare to be Different

I currently have over 100 books on my "to read" book list.  This book list keeps growing - there are books on there that I have read before and never finished, there are books that I've read many times and simply want to read again, and there are books on there that have been sitting on my bookshelf and I've never read them.  I've created this book list to remind me to continue growing intellectually; especially since I'm not in school anymore.  So, this is the year (or the next couple) that they will get read.  However, after finishing For Women Only I was struggling with which one to read next.  I have a couple of books that I'm part way through, but I didn't have the focus for any of them.  So I scrolled through the list on my phone and found the title Choosing God's Best: Wisdom for Lifelong Romance.  I seriously wasn't wanting to read another book on relationships, especially after reading Boundaries in Dating and For Women Only ... I was really thinking another title on my list might entice me... but it didn't.  So, I decided I'd read the first chapter and see if it had anything good to say.

Let me tell you, even in the introduction, I was like... "Hmmm... even though this was published in the 1990s and I have no idea where I got it from, it's not too bad.  Maybe I'll read chapter 1."  Then I got to a section in chapter one entitled "Dare to be Different".  I have ALWAYS felt that I have done things differently. I like doing things differently, rather than being a follower.  I'm okay with the fact that the choices that I make might not make sense to the rest of the world or my parents or my sister or whomever... but to trust myself and the ways that God prompts me.

And then I read this...
(taken from the book Choosing God's Best, 1998, p.28)

Dare to be Different

Starting in a new direction is usually frightening, particularly if everyone else isn't moving in the same direction you are. How many people do you know who have purposely chosen not to date because they are waiting for that one person God has chosen for them? Scary, isn't it? Yet God calls His people to a higher standard than the standard of the world. The basic demand on the Christian is the demand to be courageously different. And that's precisely where the problem lies - courtship makes you different.

The world likes a pattern and is suspicious of nonconformity. How distinct should the line be between the man and woman of the world and a follower of Christ? Jesus clearly states that when we come to Him by faith, God has chosen us out of the world (John 15:19). We can no longer be "part of the group" in the same way as before.

It takes faith and courage to wait on God. [BOY! Haven't I learned this lesson the hard way!] "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14). Waiting for the Lord means pausing for further instructions. We get in trouble when we make decisions impulsively [yup], without waiting for God's timing and God's thinking. "But I'm thirty years old," you say. What does age have to do with it? Some people are forty years old and unmarried. While you're saying "poor them," they'll be saying "poor you" if you marry the wrong person. God has a reason for requiring patience... Let your heart take courage so you can resist following your own schedule and timing rather than God's, so you can resist the pressure of other people's attitudes and opinions, and so you can resist your own fear of failing to find a relationship.

I shared my previously written personal boundaries in dating with another person that I've known for a long time, and he said "poor guy".  I, however, disagree.  And now those personal boundaries in dating are even further amended to reflect what I believe is aligned with what a God-honoring relationship would look like.  The things that I have chosen and the way that I have chosen to live my life have to be different. They are a reflection of my desire to follow God in everything that I do, my desire for growth, and a need to protect my children. 

Learning from Past Mistakes

I'm reading through the book For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn.  This isn't the first time that I've read through it, but it certainly is the first time that my eyes have been opened to the way that I had previously treated the men in my life. I've been so truly convicted and challenged to examine the effects of my words and actions before they occur.  It's been very, very humbling to realize how much hurt I may have unintentionally caused the men in my life that I so deeply respect and honor.

Up until recently, I had no idea why something that I would say - like advice or an unasked for opinion, albeit innocently enough, would make a guy so upset and angry.  Does it really come down to what I say to him, and that it comes across to him as disrespectful?

That, by far, is the last thing that I would want to do.  Yet, even in the last month I can think of two incidents with two different men where I did - completely unintentionally - come across as being disrespectful and/or not supporting of them or their abilities.  I know this because both of them got angry or at least reacted angrily/frustrated towards me directly.  I was clueless - I was like "What did I do?!"  But now, looking back, I can see how my words would have questioned their abilities and torn them down, rather than building them up.  And the crazy thing is that these are men whom I respect, hold in the highest esteem, that are strong and competent, and could do anything.

Yet, my lack of awareness, insight, and insensitivity made these two men feel less, rather than more.  I cut them down rather than affirmed them and their abilities.  I wish I could tell either of them how deeply and truly sorry I am for doing this.  And how I wish they would be comfortable enough to tell me when I do this so that I can be more aware of it.  No wonder some marriage experts say that you should continue learning about your significant other - striving for a PhD in who they are.  There is so much to learn about the opposite sex; I sometimes wonder about how people do make it work in long-term relationships. I suppose it's a journey and commitment that they make together to God and to one another.