Forgiveness - a letter from a friend

My parents had the most wonderful idea for a graduation gift... they gathered a book full of letters about "Life Lessons From Those Who Know You Best".  I am so grateful for that book.  Even 13 years later, I still go back and read them from time to time.  It is amazing how God can use that gift even now. Apparently my incessant need to ask questions and gather information and knowledge has been around for a long time.  One letter in particular grabbed my attention tonight:

Forgiveness - "And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions." Mark 11:25

Becks,
  Well here you are. You have finally made it. Congratulations the first part of your life has come to an end. So now it is off to college, right? Anyway whatever it is that you decide to do with your life, may you always remember that the people who helped to make you who you are today, all did so because they care about you.
  I have been asked to write for you on the subject of forgiveness. Now both you and I know that this is not my strongest suit. However I have learned over time one or two things that may be helpful in your journeys through life.
  So the time has come for you to go to college? What about all of the people you will be leaving behind? Your friends, and your family. Won't they be hurt when you go? Sure they will, a little. But they understand that it is not something you do to cause them pain. Instead you are attempting to better yourself as a person. For that reason the friends and relatives can forgive that hurt. And what about your first boyfriend you meet in college? Won't you be hurt when he tells you it just isn't going to work out? Of course you will. But does that mean with any certainty that he does not care about you? Does it mean that he is no longer interested in what you are feeling? You know as well as I that is not true. And you will forgive him. As he will forgive you the spiteful things you may say when he breaks you the news.
  You see it is human nature to forgive. Whether we wish to or no, we will forgive. Forgiveness is within us, it is a part of us and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Forgiveness is not a quality we can learn, or acquire over time. Forgiveness simply is. To use a cliche "To err is human, to forgive divine" (Alexander Pope).
  You once asked me "Why, if one person doesn't like something, does everyone else have to change? Why do parents say they trust you only to take turns playing twenty questions? Why is everything in this world so made up? Why do we have to live through life not knowing the future? Why are we graded in gym? Why do we date? Why not just up and get married?" Then you asked, "What will it be like to be an adult living in the real world?" Hun you are about to get your answers. That is what life is all about, it is what makes life worth living. Finding the answers to all of our questions. It drives us on and keeps us going. In my senior yearbook I quoted "Life's a journey, not a destination." I go that from being with you. If we knew the future, what would be the point of fulfilling it? If we just went straight out and got married, we wouldn't experience all of the joy, and heartache that make finding the right person all worth it. Life is about life, it's about what we do with it, not where we are at the end. Now you find yourself at the beginning of a new trail that will lead you through life. Now you get to find out what it means to be an adult in the "real world." You are a strong character. You have been blessed with many positive qualities. And you have been raised to withhold the highest of moral standards. Your journey through life will be a wonderful one. It has taken me a long time, but I finally have the answers to almost every question you ever asked me. And yet, I will not reveal those answers to you. To do so would only sour your experience on the journey that is life.
  Over the time that we have known each other, cared for each other, and loved one another, we have done things that have caused the other to hurt. Never intentionally, still we have. I have forgiven you all of those things, as you have forgiven me. You are a good person Becky and no one will ever be able to change that. I will never forget you, so long as I live I will remember everything you taught me, every feeling you brought up in me, and everything you meant to me. And you will always be my Becks. I wish you all of the best in everything you do. And when the baton drops, check the audience from time to time for a familiar face immersed in your love, your beauty, and your music. Best of luck to you. May you find joy and happiness in everything you do. And do not ever forget what you always told me... "Music is the face of the soul."

Alone

How, in a world of over 7 billion people, can one feel alone?  How, in a country of over 311 million people, do you feel alone?  How, in a church that boasts an attendance of 1000s every weekend, do you feel alone?  How, when you’re involved in a small group, have a great job, friends, kids, and pets… do you still have those days where you feel like it’s you against the world?  How is it that even though I know that God is with me always and that my family will always be there for me, that there’s still those feelings. 

Let’s not confuse this feeling of being alone with a long-term feeling of loneliness or depression.  It is neither of those.  This is more like you really just need/want someone to talk to… to hang out with… to just “be” with.

Maybe it’s because throughout the last several years I’ve experienced some tremendous losses.  Some of these losses were due to things completely out of my control, while some of them were due to choices that I made.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been separated from my two best friends recently.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never had the type of relationship with my earthly father that I’ve longed for and that became so, so evident to me this last week, that I will never have that.

Why is it that writing this and sharing this will make some people so incredibly uncomfortable?  Why will it be that the one person that I’d really like to sit side by side with and have a heart-to-heart talk with will most likely not call me?  Why is it that I question everything that happens instead of just accepting it?  Sometimes I feel like Job with all of the losses I’ve experienced… yet, on the other end of things, God provided Job with a new family, home, etc.  Sometimes, I feel like Hosea with his marriage to Gomer.  Why, when I know I trusted God and heard clearly what He said, did things turn out so negatively? Did Job or Hosea ever come to an understanding of why their losses happened, why they were so challenged by God?  Sometimes I feel like I’m always the one giving and giving and giving of myself, and there’s no one there on the other side.

Sometimes I wish, I could just have an angel by my side.

I can't say that everything's okay

'Cause I can see the tears you're crying

And I can't promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won't stop trying

(chorus)

I'll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own

'Cause when you're down and out of time

And you think you've lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you're running out of faith

'Cause it's so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you'll forget all about it

(chorus)

'Cause this won't be the last time

You'll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

(chorus)

~Francesca Battistelli, Angel By Your Side~

And yet, even throughout all of my struggles, I know that God's plan for my life is sometimes beyond my understanding, and that He is my all in all.  I guess it's a good thing that faith is one of my strongest spiritual gifts; because many other people would have given up a long time ago.  "You have everything you need to do everything God's called you to do," Jason Strand, EBC, 2 Peter 1:3.

Complete in Christ

I wonder if there exists a person who does not long to hear something about who they are from someone.  Regardless of what it is, negative or positive, encouraging or discouraging, does such a person really, truly exist?  I, by no means, am negating the power of uplifting words or the power of God to work through us.  I whole-heartedly believe that words have both the power to give and take away life.  What I am getting at is how much importance you are placing on those words and from whom they come.

I come from a family upbringing that doesn’t accept anything except the best - perfection, really.  As a child, I didn’t recognize the way this was molding me, but over the last few days (although there have been nudges from people over the last several months) – I have been made more aware of how much that has taken away from my ability to see myself as whole in Christ.  I so often negated my strengths because I didn’t think they were good enough.  I asked myself over and over again: Am I good enough?  Am I acceptable?  Am I a good enough daughter, mom, soldier, therapist, friend? What can I do to BE better? … To gain your approval or praise?  … To hear “well done, good and faithful servant” from a person.   And then it hit me: It really doesn’t matter who you say I am or who you think I am.  What matters is who I am in Christ.  Even with all of my “lack of genius” moments (read “stupid”), I am still human.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change that… well, I don’t think so, at least in this day and age… maybe with a time machine I could change… but anyways, I digress.  What matters is the truth.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).  I’m sure some of you are thinking… “Yeah, I’ve heard that before… nothing new there.”  But, have you read the following verse.  Come on, really read it and understood what it meant?

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

And just in case we don’t get the message in the book of John, Paul helps us understand the significance of Jesus’ resurrection in 1 Corinthians 15:10 – “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them – yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”  He goes on to write in Galatians 1:10 – “Am I not trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  

I like Paul's writing.  I can just picture him now - kicking up the dirt, frustrated with himself “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. [I think of all of the “lack of genius” moments that I have.] And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature [yup, pretty much]. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.  [and the kicker] – Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." (Romans 7:15-20). 

I am so glad that Paul's struggles are shared in the Bible.  There's something so human about it.  I think of all of the times that I fall back into a sinful pattern and I beat myself up for it.  I forget the simplest of truths - that God still loves me.  I need only to remember that one thing. 

And ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that I'm okay with not having my identity confirmed by n the people or things of this world. Romans 8:1 – 2 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

So, I may not be perfect in the eyes of people.  But, I’m okay with that.  Day-by-day, I grow in the acceptance of being okay with who I am in Christ… and not in the eyes of my selfish, silly, sometimes-not-so-smart self.  Because God not only created humans, He became human … HUMAN!!!  And guess what, that’s what I am – an imperfect, sinful human being… and if it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me, too.

Doodlebugs

From Max Lucado's book God's Story, Your Story (2011)

"I had taken [my nephew and niece] to the San Antonio Zoo, a perfect place for a three- and a five-year-old to spend a Saturday afternoon. A veteran kid-guide, I knew the path to take. Start small and end wild. We began with the lowly, glass-caged reptiles. Next we oohed and aahed at the parrots and pink flamingos. We fed the sheep in the petting zoo and tossed crumbs to the fish I the pond. But all along I kept telling Lawson and Callie, "We're getting to the big animals. Elephants and tigers are just around the corner."

Finally we reached the Africa section. For full effect I told them to enter with their heads down and their eyes on the sidewalk. I walked them right up tongue elephant fence.
And just when I was about to tell them to life their eyes, Lawson made a discovery. "Look, a doodlebug!"

"Where?" Callie asked.

"Here!" He squatted down and placed the pellet-sized insect in the palm of his hand and began to roll it around.

"Let me see it!" Callie said.

I couldn't lure them away. "Hey, guys, this is the jungle section."

No response.

"Don't you want to see the wild animals?"

No, they focused on the bug. There we stood, elephants to our left, lions to our right, only a stone's throw from hippos and leopards, and what were they doing? Playing with doodlebugs.

Don't we all? Myriads of mighty angels encircle us, the presence of our Maker engulfs us, the witness of a thousand galaxies and constellations calls to us, the flowing tide of God's history carries us, the crowning of Christ as King of the universe awaits us, but we can't get our eyes off the doodlebugs of life: pay checks, gadgets, vacations, and weekends.

Open your eyes, Christ invites. Lift up your gaze. "Seek first the kingdom of God" (Matthew 6:33 NKJV). Limit your world to the doodlebugs of this life, and, mark it down, you will be disappointed. Limit your story to the days between your birth and death, and brace yourself for a sad ending. You were made for more than this life.

Groups...

Groups, whether they occur organically or are purposefully put together; whether their purpose is growth, addiction recovery, fellowship, or Bible study; are a living and breathing organism. There is no magic formula or fertilizer to get a group to grow faster or deeper. When a group begins, the members (probably all of them) will put their best foot forward. It’s a natural and normal protective factor in all of us. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it is a healthy boundary to have. Over time, as trust builds, members will begin to show more and more of who they are (Cloud & Townsend, 2003, Yalom & Leszcz, 2005).

After leading and participating in groups in a variety of forms (church, Army, school, professionally, church again), I have seen firsthand that it takes time to build relationships and trust in a group setting. In the mental health field, professionals will say that most of the work comes from developing a healthy therapeutic relationship – which takes time and vulnerability – and each client is different. This is the same for a small group at church (even though it’s technically not therapeutic) the unconditional positive regard for one another and the ability to develop relationships personally AND spiritually greatly impacts the success and growth of a group. This acceptance, I believe is one of the other factors that lead to a healthy, cohesive group.

Growth and groups take time. Some people have trust issues and past hurts that they need to overcome. Each person grows at his or her own pace. Each time new people join or someone leaves, the group dynamics change and there needs to be a readjustment period.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend write in their book Making Small Groups Work (2003) a couple of key points about groups.

• True, deep, long-lasting change occurs through experiences with God and others that transform us from the inside out.  Experiences cannot be shortchanged. Each requires times.

• Doing is experiences. God created principles of growth and change that bless us when we experience them, not when we understand them. It is very different from learning or memorizing. Experiences always takes more time than putting information into our heads, though that is important also.

So, the challenge towards growth in groups is courage. What takes more courage? Sharing about your relationship with people or God, or sharing about your troubles with work? Consider the difference between sharing about relationships with people or about situations minus people. How about the difference between your personal struggles with your faith or your struggles with your dog? You may laugh, but seriously – think about it. It is a WHOLE lot easier to talk about how unsatisfied I am at work or how much I don’t like my dog… rather than my prayer life, my doubts about what/where God is calling me, or my relationship struggles. 

Cloud, H., & Townsend. J. (2003).Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, Zondervan. 

Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, 5th ed. New York, Basic Books.

Living the Life of a Christian Woman ... My Story

My mom and I often argue about the differences between her church and my church. She loves the music at my church, but ultimately thinks that it is a “feel good church”, and that the messages aren’t challenging.  This always ruffles my feathers because after attending for several years, I know that God works in real-life ways at EBC.  Growing up in an ELCA church, I will admit, I didn’t get anything out of church beyond the book or “head” knowledge.  I went through confirmation because I knew that I believed in God, but didn’t know anything beyond that.  As I grew in my independence and knowledge, I was given the opportunity to spend time at Pensacola Christian College for their summer music academy in 1999.  My first few days there were awful … not the music part – since I landed first chair clarinet in the orchestra… the girls, the relationships, the teachings with all of the other students there freaked me out.  I distinctly remember calling home to my mom (with my calling card) telling her that it was a cult and to get me out of there.  Ironically, it was the first time that I was experiencing true Christianity.  I was developing male and female friends that were Christians – and I actually liked it.  After that summer, my life was changed forever.  That summer influenced my decision of where to go to college; which ultimately has brought me to where I am at today.  The next summer, attending Basic Training, further solidified my faith.  By then, I had pretty much stopped attending the church that I had grown up in.  Once I had chosen to go to NWC, had to attend mandatory chapel, and take my mandatory Bible classes… I started to realize how awesome God’s way of living was. I was seeing that the relationship with Jesus was what I needed, not a religion that required me to say the same words and prayers week in and week out. 

Fast forward a few years and my life was no longer surrounded by Christians my age that would love and challenge me – don’t get me wrong, there were a few, but I also had lost track of the joy that usually emanated from within me.  Once I graduated from NWC I never found a church that really fit me, so I landed at church with my parents, again.  The problem with this is, that it was rote… I didn’t have to think… I just had to attend and go through the motions. I struggled with what to do, but didn’t know what to do.  I knew what the church was teaching wasn’t about relationship, but I also didn’t have the strength to fight against my whole family by myself.  I was experiencing a “toxic religion” (Craig Groeschel, Soul Detox) and it was draining me.  Eventually, I became the youth director of that church for a few years, made some waves, and basically got fired because I hadn’t gone to a Lutheran school.  The problem was, at that point in time, I knew God had called me to work with adolescents and with the church...I was devastated and lost.  I quit attending that church and ultimately ended up attending the church I attend now… thanks to some friends who said I might like it if I was looking for a church like NWC.

The first Sunday I was there, at this massive building, with parking lot attendants showing you where to park, with a coffee shop and bookstore INSIDE the building, I was floored.  But then, even more so, the music and the message drew me in and touched my heart exactly where I needed to be reached.  I had found a church that teaches the gospel and not a religion.  For a couple of years, I simply was anonymous – I had a lot of hurt to overcome from what I had experienced at my previous church and what they did to me.  So, I simply attended, was fed, and day by day grew stronger.  I was baptized at Lake Johanna (something I had wanted to do since I had attended NWC), with no one there to celebrate with me, and feared telling my parents.  (I didn’t tell them for several years… I think it might have been shortly before my daughter chose to be baptized at EBC.)  Slowly though, God was working a great transformation in my soul.  I wanted to serve and be part of the church, but the drive to Lino Lakes was difficult to commit to; especially as a single mom.  So, I did what I could and came on Sundays, and continued to trust that God would open a door for me to serve at the right time.  When the Woodbury campus opened, I knew I had to do something, but didn’t feel that God was calling me anywhere specific.  Then, there was an opportunity to attend Connect Group, on my only free evening of the week.  The first night was kind of awkward for a couple of reasons – the primary one being that I sat at the 20s table (I was 29), but didn’t really connect with them.  They were nice enough, we were just in different places in our lives.  The next weeks were mixed up differently, though. I remember meeting one of my high school teachers there and another lovely couple who really encouraged me to become a small group leader.  Needless to say, I was floored… and promptly dismissed it because I didn’t want to add something to my already overflowing and busy plate.  The next week, someone else at the table that I was sitting with said the same thing.  Guess what – I ignored it.  Ultimately, I did end up getting plugged into a singles small group – and I didn’t have to lead.  Thinking about it now, I kind of see a parallel to Jonah; because just a few months later our small group leader had to step down and there was another person that was ready to step in and fill the gap.  After a month or so of him leading the group, it became clear to me that this group would benefit from having both a male and female leader.   So, here I am, co-leading a small group… and experiencing God in real-life ways and growing.   I am so glad that God didn’t give up on me and led me to where I am today.   I believe in a God of second chances, what about you?

Growth, Faith, and Prayer

There’s this interesting phenomenon that happens with the process of growth.  In physical growth, you (or your children) don’t measure growth on a day-to-day basis; instead, you look at how much one has grown by looking from the present day back to previous months.  When coming out of a mental health issue - slowly things improve until you realize that you are no longer anxious, depressed, or angry.  I’ve come to the belief that this is how one grows spiritually, also.

Let me tell you a little story: 

For a long time I was skeptical about the power of prayer.  I was one of those Christians who believed in the power of prayer, did it habitually at meal time, but didn’t feel like my prayers were ever heard, let alone answered.  Not to say that I don't still have my doubts, but between some powerful sermons at EBC, an amazing book called Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick, and some real life experiences using the website of http://www.onlineprayerworks.com/ktis (by KTIS), I've seen the examples first hand.  

Over the last several months, and more recently the last 4-6 weeks; I have seen the growth that God has worked through my life.  Earlier this fall I listened to Sun Stand Still, then at church we had a sermon series entitled “Talk to Me” – all about prayer.  Then, the thing that I didn’t think would happen – my boyfriend broke up with me; stating that he had to follow God’s prompting.  I still don’t understand that, but whatever; that’s not the purpose of this post.  The point is that through him breaking up with me, I have seen – first hand – the power of prayer.  I posted a prayer on PrayerWorks shortly after we broke up, asking for encouragement and guidance.  And at the most random times (or not so random times), I would get a text stating that someone has prayed for me.

My reaction to this from my journal:
Lord, I trust you.  This is definitely your hand on this... It's far too much to be "just coincidence".  I don't even know if coincidence isn't you, anyways... A total of 13 prayers in the 10 o'clock hour... Lord, what are you doing?  Like I told Ken [our small group pastor], this is too much to be a coincidence, I believe it must be from you... Clarity, Lord, I need clarity.  Because as it stands, the only way that I can withstand this is with your strength.  … [Later on that evening…] Lord, I believe in the power of prayer and the power that you have to change people. I know it is only through you.  

So, I sat pondering and questioning and wondering all evening long.  I even drove 45 minutes out to Chaska to meet with a Christian couple that I’ve known for 13 years… the wife so very aptly put it, “So you’re questioning why God is covering you in prayer when you need it most?”  Well, geez, when you put it that way… of course not!  But the intellectual in me is struggling with the “why?” and the “where is this going”.  So, I talk with one of the girls from small group – love her perspective – and she reminds me that God knows the best ways to reach me.  Then, that same night, after the kids were in bed, my former youth director came over and we talked and prayed and shared how exciting it is to see God in a real-life type of way.  They all helped me to see that I’m not going crazy…

It’s overwhelming to see God work in ways that you might not even normally see. And if there’s one thing that I’ve learned – it’s that prayer – although I can’t explain why or how it works (yet) – does work. And be prepared for God to change you, regardless of what you pray for.

My prayers, now, have become an ongoing conversation with God.  I ask him questions, I let him have it when I’m frustrated, I thank him and praise him, and love him.  Through him and his prompting, I have grown in my personal relationships and trust so that I can be vulnerable with healthy people and rely on them when I need support.  And through it all, my faith has been strengthened beyond anything that I could have imagined.

Thoughts on the word, "afraid" - part 2

So, apparently God isn’t done teaching me about being afraid, fear, and trusting Him.  Although, one could argue that we really never stop learning. How many times have you read a book, or a passage in the Bible, and learn something new each time you read it.

In the book Soul Detox, by Craig Groeschel, chapter 8 is appropriately titled “Scare Pollution.”  The chapter begins with a quote from John Wesley, “I have never known more than fifteen minutes of anxiety or fear. When I feel fearful emotions overtaking me, I just close my eyes and thank God that He is still on the throne, reigning over everything, and I take comfort in His control over the affairs of my life.”  I am reminded that this is exactly the way that Mary reacted when she found out that she was going to be the mother of the Lord Most High… and yet, I am reminded, once again, that although I do trust God wholly, I still try to feel like I have control over my life and circumstances.

Craig goes on to write that there are four areas that people tend to fear the most:

1.       Fear of loss (yup, been there – done that, probably still a current fear to some extent)

2.       Fear of failure (ditto)

3.       Fear of rejection (definitely used to… not so much now)

4.       Fear of the unknown (lesser, but sometimes it rears its ugly head)

There is value and wisdom in recognizing your fears. I agree with Groeschel when he writes, “[your] fear reveals what you value the most. Examining what you fear can illuminate your priorities, which are always good to know.” He goes on to say that “what you fear reveals were you trust God the least.”  This really struck me because if there is one thing that I fear it is the loss of the companionship, conversation, and challenges that I Have come to thoroughly enjoy with a dear friend of mine.  I fear that one day we won’t be able to be friends or that something/someone/whatever will pull us apart.  Because, if I’m being honest about my fear, it is centered around not trusting God with this. You know when you meet someone and the friendship develops so easily because you understand one another so well… that’s what I’m afraid of losing. 

Ironically, Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling wrote in her devotional for January 9^th,

I am with you and for you. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don’t be discouraged – never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle.  Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent.

Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events.  If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing head-long toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My presence.

Reading from these authors, it becomes clear to me that God IS omnipotent and has perfect control over everything in my life.  After all, if He is for us, who can be against us?  And it is with this very comforting reminder, that I remember that I do not have to be afraid of losing friendships, failing in the gifts and talents that He has given me, wondering what other people think of me - because God made me in His image, and that He has a plan for me that is far greater than anything I could possibly imagine.