Alone

How, in a world of over 7 billion people, can one feel alone?  How, in a country of over 311 million people, do you feel alone?  How, in a church that boasts an attendance of 1000s every weekend, do you feel alone?  How, when you’re involved in a small group, have a great job, friends, kids, and pets… do you still have those days where you feel like it’s you against the world?  How is it that even though I know that God is with me always and that my family will always be there for me, that there’s still those feelings. 

Let’s not confuse this feeling of being alone with a long-term feeling of loneliness or depression.  It is neither of those.  This is more like you really just need/want someone to talk to… to hang out with… to just “be” with.

Maybe it’s because throughout the last several years I’ve experienced some tremendous losses.  Some of these losses were due to things completely out of my control, while some of them were due to choices that I made.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been separated from my two best friends recently.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never had the type of relationship with my earthly father that I’ve longed for and that became so, so evident to me this last week, that I will never have that.

Why is it that writing this and sharing this will make some people so incredibly uncomfortable?  Why will it be that the one person that I’d really like to sit side by side with and have a heart-to-heart talk with will most likely not call me?  Why is it that I question everything that happens instead of just accepting it?  Sometimes I feel like Job with all of the losses I’ve experienced… yet, on the other end of things, God provided Job with a new family, home, etc.  Sometimes, I feel like Hosea with his marriage to Gomer.  Why, when I know I trusted God and heard clearly what He said, did things turn out so negatively? Did Job or Hosea ever come to an understanding of why their losses happened, why they were so challenged by God?  Sometimes I feel like I’m always the one giving and giving and giving of myself, and there’s no one there on the other side.

Sometimes I wish, I could just have an angel by my side.

I can't say that everything's okay

'Cause I can see the tears you're crying

And I can't promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won't stop trying

(chorus)

I'll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own

'Cause when you're down and out of time

And you think you've lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you're running out of faith

'Cause it's so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you'll forget all about it

(chorus)

'Cause this won't be the last time

You'll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

(chorus)

~Francesca Battistelli, Angel By Your Side~

And yet, even throughout all of my struggles, I know that God's plan for my life is sometimes beyond my understanding, and that He is my all in all.  I guess it's a good thing that faith is one of my strongest spiritual gifts; because many other people would have given up a long time ago.  "You have everything you need to do everything God's called you to do," Jason Strand, EBC, 2 Peter 1:3.