Groups...

Groups, whether they occur organically or are purposefully put together; whether their purpose is growth, addiction recovery, fellowship, or Bible study; are a living and breathing organism. There is no magic formula or fertilizer to get a group to grow faster or deeper. When a group begins, the members (probably all of them) will put their best foot forward. It’s a natural and normal protective factor in all of us. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it is a healthy boundary to have. Over time, as trust builds, members will begin to show more and more of who they are (Cloud & Townsend, 2003, Yalom & Leszcz, 2005).

After leading and participating in groups in a variety of forms (church, Army, school, professionally, church again), I have seen firsthand that it takes time to build relationships and trust in a group setting. In the mental health field, professionals will say that most of the work comes from developing a healthy therapeutic relationship – which takes time and vulnerability – and each client is different. This is the same for a small group at church (even though it’s technically not therapeutic) the unconditional positive regard for one another and the ability to develop relationships personally AND spiritually greatly impacts the success and growth of a group. This acceptance, I believe is one of the other factors that lead to a healthy, cohesive group.

Growth and groups take time. Some people have trust issues and past hurts that they need to overcome. Each person grows at his or her own pace. Each time new people join or someone leaves, the group dynamics change and there needs to be a readjustment period.

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend write in their book Making Small Groups Work (2003) a couple of key points about groups.

• True, deep, long-lasting change occurs through experiences with God and others that transform us from the inside out.  Experiences cannot be shortchanged. Each requires times.

• Doing is experiences. God created principles of growth and change that bless us when we experience them, not when we understand them. It is very different from learning or memorizing. Experiences always takes more time than putting information into our heads, though that is important also.

So, the challenge towards growth in groups is courage. What takes more courage? Sharing about your relationship with people or God, or sharing about your troubles with work? Consider the difference between sharing about relationships with people or about situations minus people. How about the difference between your personal struggles with your faith or your struggles with your dog? You may laugh, but seriously – think about it. It is a WHOLE lot easier to talk about how unsatisfied I am at work or how much I don’t like my dog… rather than my prayer life, my doubts about what/where God is calling me, or my relationship struggles. 

Cloud, H., & Townsend. J. (2003).Making Small Groups Work: What Every Small Group Leader Needs to Know. Grand Rapids, Zondervan. 

Yalom, I., & Leszcz, M. (2005). Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, 5th ed. New York, Basic Books.

Living the Life of a Christian Woman ... My Story

My mom and I often argue about the differences between her church and my church. She loves the music at my church, but ultimately thinks that it is a “feel good church”, and that the messages aren’t challenging.  This always ruffles my feathers because after attending for several years, I know that God works in real-life ways at EBC.  Growing up in an ELCA church, I will admit, I didn’t get anything out of church beyond the book or “head” knowledge.  I went through confirmation because I knew that I believed in God, but didn’t know anything beyond that.  As I grew in my independence and knowledge, I was given the opportunity to spend time at Pensacola Christian College for their summer music academy in 1999.  My first few days there were awful … not the music part – since I landed first chair clarinet in the orchestra… the girls, the relationships, the teachings with all of the other students there freaked me out.  I distinctly remember calling home to my mom (with my calling card) telling her that it was a cult and to get me out of there.  Ironically, it was the first time that I was experiencing true Christianity.  I was developing male and female friends that were Christians – and I actually liked it.  After that summer, my life was changed forever.  That summer influenced my decision of where to go to college; which ultimately has brought me to where I am at today.  The next summer, attending Basic Training, further solidified my faith.  By then, I had pretty much stopped attending the church that I had grown up in.  Once I had chosen to go to NWC, had to attend mandatory chapel, and take my mandatory Bible classes… I started to realize how awesome God’s way of living was. I was seeing that the relationship with Jesus was what I needed, not a religion that required me to say the same words and prayers week in and week out. 

Fast forward a few years and my life was no longer surrounded by Christians my age that would love and challenge me – don’t get me wrong, there were a few, but I also had lost track of the joy that usually emanated from within me.  Once I graduated from NWC I never found a church that really fit me, so I landed at church with my parents, again.  The problem with this is, that it was rote… I didn’t have to think… I just had to attend and go through the motions. I struggled with what to do, but didn’t know what to do.  I knew what the church was teaching wasn’t about relationship, but I also didn’t have the strength to fight against my whole family by myself.  I was experiencing a “toxic religion” (Craig Groeschel, Soul Detox) and it was draining me.  Eventually, I became the youth director of that church for a few years, made some waves, and basically got fired because I hadn’t gone to a Lutheran school.  The problem was, at that point in time, I knew God had called me to work with adolescents and with the church...I was devastated and lost.  I quit attending that church and ultimately ended up attending the church I attend now… thanks to some friends who said I might like it if I was looking for a church like NWC.

The first Sunday I was there, at this massive building, with parking lot attendants showing you where to park, with a coffee shop and bookstore INSIDE the building, I was floored.  But then, even more so, the music and the message drew me in and touched my heart exactly where I needed to be reached.  I had found a church that teaches the gospel and not a religion.  For a couple of years, I simply was anonymous – I had a lot of hurt to overcome from what I had experienced at my previous church and what they did to me.  So, I simply attended, was fed, and day by day grew stronger.  I was baptized at Lake Johanna (something I had wanted to do since I had attended NWC), with no one there to celebrate with me, and feared telling my parents.  (I didn’t tell them for several years… I think it might have been shortly before my daughter chose to be baptized at EBC.)  Slowly though, God was working a great transformation in my soul.  I wanted to serve and be part of the church, but the drive to Lino Lakes was difficult to commit to; especially as a single mom.  So, I did what I could and came on Sundays, and continued to trust that God would open a door for me to serve at the right time.  When the Woodbury campus opened, I knew I had to do something, but didn’t feel that God was calling me anywhere specific.  Then, there was an opportunity to attend Connect Group, on my only free evening of the week.  The first night was kind of awkward for a couple of reasons – the primary one being that I sat at the 20s table (I was 29), but didn’t really connect with them.  They were nice enough, we were just in different places in our lives.  The next weeks were mixed up differently, though. I remember meeting one of my high school teachers there and another lovely couple who really encouraged me to become a small group leader.  Needless to say, I was floored… and promptly dismissed it because I didn’t want to add something to my already overflowing and busy plate.  The next week, someone else at the table that I was sitting with said the same thing.  Guess what – I ignored it.  Ultimately, I did end up getting plugged into a singles small group – and I didn’t have to lead.  Thinking about it now, I kind of see a parallel to Jonah; because just a few months later our small group leader had to step down and there was another person that was ready to step in and fill the gap.  After a month or so of him leading the group, it became clear to me that this group would benefit from having both a male and female leader.   So, here I am, co-leading a small group… and experiencing God in real-life ways and growing.   I am so glad that God didn’t give up on me and led me to where I am today.   I believe in a God of second chances, what about you?

Growth, Faith, and Prayer

There’s this interesting phenomenon that happens with the process of growth.  In physical growth, you (or your children) don’t measure growth on a day-to-day basis; instead, you look at how much one has grown by looking from the present day back to previous months.  When coming out of a mental health issue - slowly things improve until you realize that you are no longer anxious, depressed, or angry.  I’ve come to the belief that this is how one grows spiritually, also.

Let me tell you a little story: 

For a long time I was skeptical about the power of prayer.  I was one of those Christians who believed in the power of prayer, did it habitually at meal time, but didn’t feel like my prayers were ever heard, let alone answered.  Not to say that I don't still have my doubts, but between some powerful sermons at EBC, an amazing book called Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick, and some real life experiences using the website of http://www.onlineprayerworks.com/ktis (by KTIS), I've seen the examples first hand.  

Over the last several months, and more recently the last 4-6 weeks; I have seen the growth that God has worked through my life.  Earlier this fall I listened to Sun Stand Still, then at church we had a sermon series entitled “Talk to Me” – all about prayer.  Then, the thing that I didn’t think would happen – my boyfriend broke up with me; stating that he had to follow God’s prompting.  I still don’t understand that, but whatever; that’s not the purpose of this post.  The point is that through him breaking up with me, I have seen – first hand – the power of prayer.  I posted a prayer on PrayerWorks shortly after we broke up, asking for encouragement and guidance.  And at the most random times (or not so random times), I would get a text stating that someone has prayed for me.

My reaction to this from my journal:
Lord, I trust you.  This is definitely your hand on this... It's far too much to be "just coincidence".  I don't even know if coincidence isn't you, anyways... A total of 13 prayers in the 10 o'clock hour... Lord, what are you doing?  Like I told Ken [our small group pastor], this is too much to be a coincidence, I believe it must be from you... Clarity, Lord, I need clarity.  Because as it stands, the only way that I can withstand this is with your strength.  … [Later on that evening…] Lord, I believe in the power of prayer and the power that you have to change people. I know it is only through you.  

So, I sat pondering and questioning and wondering all evening long.  I even drove 45 minutes out to Chaska to meet with a Christian couple that I’ve known for 13 years… the wife so very aptly put it, “So you’re questioning why God is covering you in prayer when you need it most?”  Well, geez, when you put it that way… of course not!  But the intellectual in me is struggling with the “why?” and the “where is this going”.  So, I talk with one of the girls from small group – love her perspective – and she reminds me that God knows the best ways to reach me.  Then, that same night, after the kids were in bed, my former youth director came over and we talked and prayed and shared how exciting it is to see God in a real-life type of way.  They all helped me to see that I’m not going crazy…

It’s overwhelming to see God work in ways that you might not even normally see. And if there’s one thing that I’ve learned – it’s that prayer – although I can’t explain why or how it works (yet) – does work. And be prepared for God to change you, regardless of what you pray for.

My prayers, now, have become an ongoing conversation with God.  I ask him questions, I let him have it when I’m frustrated, I thank him and praise him, and love him.  Through him and his prompting, I have grown in my personal relationships and trust so that I can be vulnerable with healthy people and rely on them when I need support.  And through it all, my faith has been strengthened beyond anything that I could have imagined.

Thoughts on the word, "afraid" - part 2

So, apparently God isn’t done teaching me about being afraid, fear, and trusting Him.  Although, one could argue that we really never stop learning. How many times have you read a book, or a passage in the Bible, and learn something new each time you read it.

In the book Soul Detox, by Craig Groeschel, chapter 8 is appropriately titled “Scare Pollution.”  The chapter begins with a quote from John Wesley, “I have never known more than fifteen minutes of anxiety or fear. When I feel fearful emotions overtaking me, I just close my eyes and thank God that He is still on the throne, reigning over everything, and I take comfort in His control over the affairs of my life.”  I am reminded that this is exactly the way that Mary reacted when she found out that she was going to be the mother of the Lord Most High… and yet, I am reminded, once again, that although I do trust God wholly, I still try to feel like I have control over my life and circumstances.

Craig goes on to write that there are four areas that people tend to fear the most:

1.       Fear of loss (yup, been there – done that, probably still a current fear to some extent)

2.       Fear of failure (ditto)

3.       Fear of rejection (definitely used to… not so much now)

4.       Fear of the unknown (lesser, but sometimes it rears its ugly head)

There is value and wisdom in recognizing your fears. I agree with Groeschel when he writes, “[your] fear reveals what you value the most. Examining what you fear can illuminate your priorities, which are always good to know.” He goes on to say that “what you fear reveals were you trust God the least.”  This really struck me because if there is one thing that I fear it is the loss of the companionship, conversation, and challenges that I Have come to thoroughly enjoy with a dear friend of mine.  I fear that one day we won’t be able to be friends or that something/someone/whatever will pull us apart.  Because, if I’m being honest about my fear, it is centered around not trusting God with this. You know when you meet someone and the friendship develops so easily because you understand one another so well… that’s what I’m afraid of losing. 

Ironically, Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling wrote in her devotional for January 9^th,

I am with you and for you. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don’t be discouraged – never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle.  Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent.

Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events.  If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing head-long toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My presence.

Reading from these authors, it becomes clear to me that God IS omnipotent and has perfect control over everything in my life.  After all, if He is for us, who can be against us?  And it is with this very comforting reminder, that I remember that I do not have to be afraid of losing friendships, failing in the gifts and talents that He has given me, wondering what other people think of me - because God made me in His image, and that He has a plan for me that is far greater than anything I could possibly imagine.

Failures, Forgiveness, Dependence

From January 5^th, Sarah Young’s devotional Jesus Calling

     You can achieve the victorious life through living in deep dependence on Me. People usually associate victory with success: not falling or stumbling, not making mistakes. But those who are successful in their own strength tend to go their own way, forgetting about Me. It is through problems and failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on Me.

     True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do. It is coming to Me with an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant my desires within you. I may infuse within you a dream that seems far beyond your reach. You know that in yourself you cannot achieve such a goal. Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on Me. It is a faith-walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on Me as much as you need. This is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures. However, each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on Me. Enjoy the blessedness of a victorious life, through your dependence on Me.

Psalm 34:17 – 18; 2 Corinthians 5:7 (NKJV)

     What stood out to me at first was not the necessity of living a life dependent on Him, but in seeking that goal and desire, I am going to fail – over and over again.  Jesus challenges Peter (and us) to forgive more times than imaginable (Matthew 18:22); which reminds me of the concept of grace.  In Philip Yancey’s book What’s So Amazing About Grace, Yancey writes “One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as ‘those evil people’ or ‘those poor people who need our help.’ Nor must we search for signs of ‘loveworthiness.’ Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.”  So through the multiple failures that we experience, are we increasing our dependence on Him, and experiencing the gift of grace (and love) by forgiving ourselves?  Sometimes, I feel that it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves.  We show grace to others in our life, but do we allow ourselves to accept that gift of grace? God doesn’t call us to be the best or perfect boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, brother/sister, son/daughter, friend, or person.  He knows who we are at all times.  He sees both the good and bad, and yet He loves us completely - asking for us only to love in return.  He wants us to rely on Him, draw closer to Him, and continue striving to be more Christ-like every day… even with our failures.

Thoughts on the word "afraid"

Recently, several different people have used the word “scared” or “afraid”. It didn’t hit me until this afternoon when I was talking with my neighbor and she also said it. By nature of the season, it also came up in the movie The Nativity Story – that the angel told Mary not to be afraid (Luke 1:30). Yet her character talks to Joseph about still being afraid despite her trusting of the Lord; and he shares her sentiment... now I know there is probably some artistic liberty taken with that movie, but really – wouldn’t you be afraid if you were in either one of their positions? Before Mary is told not to be afraid, Zechariah is told “Do not be afraid” (Luke 1:13). Joseph is told “do not be afraid” (Matthew 1:20). Then, an angel tells the shepherds “Do not be afraid” (Luke 2:10).

And those are just the examples in the Christmas story. Throughout the gospels Jesus tells the disciples and others several times not to be afraid:
- He rebukes them for not having “little faith” when they are out in the boat, and He calms the storm (Matthew 8:26)
- The sending out of the twelve disciples and their preparation to be aware of the sin-filled people of this world, the persecution that they will face, and to “not be afraid” because they are worth more than sparrows and God knows their worth (Matthew 10: 26, 28, and 31)
- Speaking to Jairus about the death of his daughter “Don’t be afraid; just believe” (Mark 5:36)
- The disciples were afraid when they witnessed Jesus’ transformation (Luke 9:34)
- Jesus’ promise of the Holy Spirit “Peace I leave with you’ my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27)

So, I’m asking myself “what am I afraid of?” and am challenging myself to let go of any fears that I may have; and trust God as Mary trusted Him. Will I have doubts about things as I move forwards – absolutely! I expect to… after all, I’m human. But I am going to trust that there will be seasons of growth and challenge, and the only thing that I can do is keep persevering… striving towards the person that God as created me to be.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Reflections on being asked, "What do you want for Christmas?"

(originally composed 12/24/2012)
There are few earthly things that could top the gifts that I already have...

I have a daughter who loves the Lord with all her heart, and a trusting faith - something I could definitely learn from.  She loves and care much more deeply than anybody else I know. She has joy from deep within, and shares it with everyone she knows.  I have a son who loves life, enjoys holding doors open for people (chivalry is not dead), and teaches me the importance of how to play.

I've completed my Masters degree, something that fewer than 11% of Americans say they've accomplished. I have a roof over my head and an 8-year old car that still runs. I am blessed to have two jobs that I actually enjoy. I have a church that I connect with, am challenged by its teachings, and encouraged to grow. Without that church I wouldn't have met an awesome new group of friends this year who share my same values. I have learned how to love again and be loved by friends and family alike.

After this year of having to live well below the means that I previously had been used to, material goods really have just become "things".  The time that people spend with me (and I with them), and the friendships that I have are more valuable than any earthly Christmas gift!