Sometimes you just have to ask, "God, why?!"

I woke up this morning with a "I don't care" attitude.  I hate that... and I hate that I don't know why.  Days like this make me cry.  There's really no reason for it.  Maybe part of it is because I'm jealous of a friend that is on a missions trip to Haiti right now, she looks SO joy-filled.  Being the sole provider and single parent to children makes it incredibly difficult to take a missions trip. It makes it even more difficult when you don't have PTO or any extra money just laying around so that you could still pay your bills even if you were to go.  Maybe part of it is because it seems like every time I think I'm getting ahead (and perhaps I get prideful) I get knocked down.  Sometimes, I feel as if I'm on the brink of losing everything all the time... which maybe makes me cherish it even more.

Today is one of those days, that I just struggle with that and what the purpose of this path in my life is. There's really no reason for it.  I have more blessings than I can even think of.  I know I'm burned out.  I give so much of myself.  Being a single mom is by far the most selfless thing in my life.  I am so glad for missions trips - and at some point - I know I'll be able to go on one again.  But I don't need to go on a mission trip to selflessly serve.  I serve my children every day and am astonished at the joy that flows through them and am blessed by them.  And then I get a card from Moriah and am reminded of the powerful ways that God can use children in our lives.

I don't question God's plan. In fact, I know that his timing and purpose far exceeds what I will ever understand.  Maybe I'm just ready for spring...