Learning from Past Mistakes

I'm reading through the book For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn.  This isn't the first time that I've read through it, but it certainly is the first time that my eyes have been opened to the way that I had previously treated the men in my life. I've been so truly convicted and challenged to examine the effects of my words and actions before they occur.  It's been very, very humbling to realize how much hurt I may have unintentionally caused the men in my life that I so deeply respect and honor.

Up until recently, I had no idea why something that I would say - like advice or an unasked for opinion, albeit innocently enough, would make a guy so upset and angry.  Does it really come down to what I say to him, and that it comes across to him as disrespectful?

That, by far, is the last thing that I would want to do.  Yet, even in the last month I can think of two incidents with two different men where I did - completely unintentionally - come across as being disrespectful and/or not supporting of them or their abilities.  I know this because both of them got angry or at least reacted angrily/frustrated towards me directly.  I was clueless - I was like "What did I do?!"  But now, looking back, I can see how my words would have questioned their abilities and torn them down, rather than building them up.  And the crazy thing is that these are men whom I respect, hold in the highest esteem, that are strong and competent, and could do anything.

Yet, my lack of awareness, insight, and insensitivity made these two men feel less, rather than more.  I cut them down rather than affirmed them and their abilities.  I wish I could tell either of them how deeply and truly sorry I am for doing this.  And how I wish they would be comfortable enough to tell me when I do this so that I can be more aware of it.  No wonder some marriage experts say that you should continue learning about your significant other - striving for a PhD in who they are.  There is so much to learn about the opposite sex; I sometimes wonder about how people do make it work in long-term relationships. I suppose it's a journey and commitment that they make together to God and to one another.

Dates and Mates

I was supposed to go on a date this Thursday. A first date - on Valentine's Day, but I realized it wouldn't be fair to me or the guy. You see, my heart and my head wouldn't be in it. If I'm honest, though, I was really excited at first.  But the more I thought about it, the excitement came from the fact that another man in this world found me attractive... not because I was excited to get to know him or spend time with him.  I won't play games with myself or any other person.

After my breakup in December, I chose the date in my calendar of March 4th being when I would allow myself to date again.  I chose that date because it was the end of the Boundaries in Dating study that my small group is studying.  There are ways that I was dating prior to this study that weren't being true to myself, and one of those is that I need to stick to what I believe.  I believe there is a reason that God prompted me towards that date and I need to trust Him and myself.

So, I've told the guy and cancelled the date. Reading the below letter from my dear friend Kari, written to me when I graduated from high school, also helped me to be able to make that choice.  I hope you enjoy it and learn as much from it as I have.

...    Becky, your mom has asked us to give you some advice on choosing a mate. First of all, remember that marriage is for a lifetime. It is a commitment. A pastor told me years ago... do everything you want to do before you get married.  To choose a mate is a very serious decision.  I (Kari) personally made a list of qualities when I was 16 years old & prayed over it. Yes, my list changed over the years, because I changed. That is normal. Your list will change too, as your own personal values, character, & personality continue to mature.

As a Christian couple, we pray you will want to marry a man who is a Christian.  There is no other human relationship which is as fulfilling, joy-filled, & fun, as a marriage relationship in which you can share all things, including your love of Christ. The Bible says do not be unequally yoked... This command has two equally important lessons for us.  It means don't marry an unbeliever, because you will be unevenly yoked.  If he does not believe in Christ, you will not share the same values, morals, and purpose for life & your dreams for a joy-filled marriage will become a joy-less reality.  It also means don't marry someone in the Christian faith who is unevenly yoked with you. Just because he is a Christian doesn't mean he is the one whom God ordained for you to marry.  Seek a mate who loves Christ as deeply as you love Him, & who accepts Jesus as both Saviour & Lord of his life.  Remember, all Christians are sinners.  Use discernment.  And PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!!! Psalm 20:4 - May he give you the desire of your heart, & make all your plans succeed...

 Who could have guessed that all these years later, that this wisdom would be applicable now?  That I would have a Christian woman that I could trust, go to, and call my friend - that used to be my youth director!  The list of qualities she mentions above - I believe, is important.  I created my list when I was in junior high and it did change.  I revisited it and modified it once I divorced, and again when I recommitted to living as a Christian woman and mom.  That list really hasn't changed a whole lot since then, although in addition to the qualities that I find important, and I use that to help me be wise and discerning when it comes to dating and seeing through my emotions.

I echo Kari's prayer, especially for all of us that are single Christians... have faith, pray, and trust in HIM!  He knows your heart and your desires.

My Lifelong Goals

I've had many coincidences occur over the last few weeks in my life. Except, they're really not coincidences, are they?  They're real life ways that God is working in my life.  Miracles, really.

One such "coincident" occurred when I wrote an email to a friend last week sharing that I needed to get refocused on what's important in my life.  To become someone that is life-giving, instead of life-draining.  And that while I appreciate, and am even thankful for having emotions, that I have to be able to have a good-strong control of them.  Then, yesterday, I ran across the book Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.   Well, shoot.  I felt like that was exactly what I hadn't done.  Even the cover of the book was like a picture out of my own head - a woman bent over with her head stuck in a purse.  Then I got to thinking - at one point in my life, my goal was to be a "Wife of Noble Character" (Proverbs 31)... what happened to that person? I, personally, think she got lost.   So, I started thinking and reading, and thinking some more... I should read that one book - The Prayer of Jabez ... I had started it a while back - after it was recommended to me by a former pastor; but I never finished it.  Last night, I read the whole thing... and although it scares me to death, I committed to praying it for 30 days...

Coincidence in timing? I don't think so.  Because tomorrow night is my last night in my small group until March 11th.  When I come back to the group - it will be day 30.  I didn't even realize the timing until I woke up this morning.  Then I started thinking, what will this 30 days look like? 

And then there was this morning's sermon... "I don't have time" and "How do I number my days?" and "Life Long Goals"...  So I started thinking... is it a coincidence that I'm hearing a sermon on how to use my time - when I just freed up Monday evenings... what am I going to do in that time... how am I going to accomplish my lifelong goals... am on a path to accomplish them?  So, to all who read this, ask me how I'm doing on my 30 day challenge, ask me how I'm doing in becoming a Proverbs 31 woman, challenge me to grow in my faith. Because I am excited and scared to see how God is going to mold me and work through me over this next month.

My Lifelong Goals
 1. Grow in my faith and relationship with God throughout my whole life.  Remembering that there will be peaks and valleys and that this is a goal not for one day, one week, or one year; but for one lifetime.

2. Raise Godly children by setting an example for them and teaching them good, life-long spiritual and personal habits.

3. Reach others for Christ by being a light for the every day people in my life.

4. Be a Godly wife - become a Proverbs 31 woman - who honors, encourages, respects, and supports her husband.

Forgiveness - a letter from a friend

My parents had the most wonderful idea for a graduation gift... they gathered a book full of letters about "Life Lessons From Those Who Know You Best".  I am so grateful for that book.  Even 13 years later, I still go back and read them from time to time.  It is amazing how God can use that gift even now. Apparently my incessant need to ask questions and gather information and knowledge has been around for a long time.  One letter in particular grabbed my attention tonight:

Forgiveness - "And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your transgressions." Mark 11:25

Becks,
  Well here you are. You have finally made it. Congratulations the first part of your life has come to an end. So now it is off to college, right? Anyway whatever it is that you decide to do with your life, may you always remember that the people who helped to make you who you are today, all did so because they care about you.
  I have been asked to write for you on the subject of forgiveness. Now both you and I know that this is not my strongest suit. However I have learned over time one or two things that may be helpful in your journeys through life.
  So the time has come for you to go to college? What about all of the people you will be leaving behind? Your friends, and your family. Won't they be hurt when you go? Sure they will, a little. But they understand that it is not something you do to cause them pain. Instead you are attempting to better yourself as a person. For that reason the friends and relatives can forgive that hurt. And what about your first boyfriend you meet in college? Won't you be hurt when he tells you it just isn't going to work out? Of course you will. But does that mean with any certainty that he does not care about you? Does it mean that he is no longer interested in what you are feeling? You know as well as I that is not true. And you will forgive him. As he will forgive you the spiteful things you may say when he breaks you the news.
  You see it is human nature to forgive. Whether we wish to or no, we will forgive. Forgiveness is within us, it is a part of us and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Forgiveness is not a quality we can learn, or acquire over time. Forgiveness simply is. To use a cliche "To err is human, to forgive divine" (Alexander Pope).
  You once asked me "Why, if one person doesn't like something, does everyone else have to change? Why do parents say they trust you only to take turns playing twenty questions? Why is everything in this world so made up? Why do we have to live through life not knowing the future? Why are we graded in gym? Why do we date? Why not just up and get married?" Then you asked, "What will it be like to be an adult living in the real world?" Hun you are about to get your answers. That is what life is all about, it is what makes life worth living. Finding the answers to all of our questions. It drives us on and keeps us going. In my senior yearbook I quoted "Life's a journey, not a destination." I go that from being with you. If we knew the future, what would be the point of fulfilling it? If we just went straight out and got married, we wouldn't experience all of the joy, and heartache that make finding the right person all worth it. Life is about life, it's about what we do with it, not where we are at the end. Now you find yourself at the beginning of a new trail that will lead you through life. Now you get to find out what it means to be an adult in the "real world." You are a strong character. You have been blessed with many positive qualities. And you have been raised to withhold the highest of moral standards. Your journey through life will be a wonderful one. It has taken me a long time, but I finally have the answers to almost every question you ever asked me. And yet, I will not reveal those answers to you. To do so would only sour your experience on the journey that is life.
  Over the time that we have known each other, cared for each other, and loved one another, we have done things that have caused the other to hurt. Never intentionally, still we have. I have forgiven you all of those things, as you have forgiven me. You are a good person Becky and no one will ever be able to change that. I will never forget you, so long as I live I will remember everything you taught me, every feeling you brought up in me, and everything you meant to me. And you will always be my Becks. I wish you all of the best in everything you do. And when the baton drops, check the audience from time to time for a familiar face immersed in your love, your beauty, and your music. Best of luck to you. May you find joy and happiness in everything you do. And do not ever forget what you always told me... "Music is the face of the soul."

Alone

How, in a world of over 7 billion people, can one feel alone?  How, in a country of over 311 million people, do you feel alone?  How, in a church that boasts an attendance of 1000s every weekend, do you feel alone?  How, when you’re involved in a small group, have a great job, friends, kids, and pets… do you still have those days where you feel like it’s you against the world?  How is it that even though I know that God is with me always and that my family will always be there for me, that there’s still those feelings. 

Let’s not confuse this feeling of being alone with a long-term feeling of loneliness or depression.  It is neither of those.  This is more like you really just need/want someone to talk to… to hang out with… to just “be” with.

Maybe it’s because throughout the last several years I’ve experienced some tremendous losses.  Some of these losses were due to things completely out of my control, while some of them were due to choices that I made.  Maybe it’s because I’ve been separated from my two best friends recently.  Maybe it’s because I’ve never had the type of relationship with my earthly father that I’ve longed for and that became so, so evident to me this last week, that I will never have that.

Why is it that writing this and sharing this will make some people so incredibly uncomfortable?  Why will it be that the one person that I’d really like to sit side by side with and have a heart-to-heart talk with will most likely not call me?  Why is it that I question everything that happens instead of just accepting it?  Sometimes I feel like Job with all of the losses I’ve experienced… yet, on the other end of things, God provided Job with a new family, home, etc.  Sometimes, I feel like Hosea with his marriage to Gomer.  Why, when I know I trusted God and heard clearly what He said, did things turn out so negatively? Did Job or Hosea ever come to an understanding of why their losses happened, why they were so challenged by God?  Sometimes I feel like I’m always the one giving and giving and giving of myself, and there’s no one there on the other side.

Sometimes I wish, I could just have an angel by my side.

I can't say that everything's okay

'Cause I can see the tears you're crying

And I can't promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won't stop trying

(chorus)

I'll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I'll be the strength you can't provide on your own

'Cause when you're down and out of time

And you think you've lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you're running out of faith

'Cause it's so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you'll forget all about it

(chorus)

'Cause this won't be the last time

You'll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

(chorus)

~Francesca Battistelli, Angel By Your Side~

And yet, even throughout all of my struggles, I know that God's plan for my life is sometimes beyond my understanding, and that He is my all in all.  I guess it's a good thing that faith is one of my strongest spiritual gifts; because many other people would have given up a long time ago.  "You have everything you need to do everything God's called you to do," Jason Strand, EBC, 2 Peter 1:3.

Complete in Christ

I wonder if there exists a person who does not long to hear something about who they are from someone.  Regardless of what it is, negative or positive, encouraging or discouraging, does such a person really, truly exist?  I, by no means, am negating the power of uplifting words or the power of God to work through us.  I whole-heartedly believe that words have both the power to give and take away life.  What I am getting at is how much importance you are placing on those words and from whom they come.

I come from a family upbringing that doesn’t accept anything except the best - perfection, really.  As a child, I didn’t recognize the way this was molding me, but over the last few days (although there have been nudges from people over the last several months) – I have been made more aware of how much that has taken away from my ability to see myself as whole in Christ.  I so often negated my strengths because I didn’t think they were good enough.  I asked myself over and over again: Am I good enough?  Am I acceptable?  Am I a good enough daughter, mom, soldier, therapist, friend? What can I do to BE better? … To gain your approval or praise?  … To hear “well done, good and faithful servant” from a person.   And then it hit me: It really doesn’t matter who you say I am or who you think I am.  What matters is who I am in Christ.  Even with all of my “lack of genius” moments (read “stupid”), I am still human.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to change that… well, I don’t think so, at least in this day and age… maybe with a time machine I could change… but anyways, I digress.  What matters is the truth.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).  I’m sure some of you are thinking… “Yeah, I’ve heard that before… nothing new there.”  But, have you read the following verse.  Come on, really read it and understood what it meant?

John 3:17 - For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.

And just in case we don’t get the message in the book of John, Paul helps us understand the significance of Jesus’ resurrection in 1 Corinthians 15:10 – “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them – yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.”  He goes on to write in Galatians 1:10 – “Am I not trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”  

I like Paul's writing.  I can just picture him now - kicking up the dirt, frustrated with himself “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. [I think of all of the “lack of genius” moments that I have.] And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature [yup, pretty much]. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.  [and the kicker] – Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." (Romans 7:15-20). 

I am so glad that Paul's struggles are shared in the Bible.  There's something so human about it.  I think of all of the times that I fall back into a sinful pattern and I beat myself up for it.  I forget the simplest of truths - that God still loves me.  I need only to remember that one thing. 

And ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that I'm okay with not having my identity confirmed by n the people or things of this world. Romans 8:1 – 2 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

So, I may not be perfect in the eyes of people.  But, I’m okay with that.  Day-by-day, I grow in the acceptance of being okay with who I am in Christ… and not in the eyes of my selfish, silly, sometimes-not-so-smart self.  Because God not only created humans, He became human … HUMAN!!!  And guess what, that’s what I am – an imperfect, sinful human being… and if it’s good enough for God, it’s good enough for me, too.

Doodlebugs

From Max Lucado's book God's Story, Your Story (2011)

"I had taken [my nephew and niece] to the San Antonio Zoo, a perfect place for a three- and a five-year-old to spend a Saturday afternoon. A veteran kid-guide, I knew the path to take. Start small and end wild. We began with the lowly, glass-caged reptiles. Next we oohed and aahed at the parrots and pink flamingos. We fed the sheep in the petting zoo and tossed crumbs to the fish I the pond. But all along I kept telling Lawson and Callie, "We're getting to the big animals. Elephants and tigers are just around the corner."

Finally we reached the Africa section. For full effect I told them to enter with their heads down and their eyes on the sidewalk. I walked them right up tongue elephant fence.
And just when I was about to tell them to life their eyes, Lawson made a discovery. "Look, a doodlebug!"

"Where?" Callie asked.

"Here!" He squatted down and placed the pellet-sized insect in the palm of his hand and began to roll it around.

"Let me see it!" Callie said.

I couldn't lure them away. "Hey, guys, this is the jungle section."

No response.

"Don't you want to see the wild animals?"

No, they focused on the bug. There we stood, elephants to our left, lions to our right, only a stone's throw from hippos and leopards, and what were they doing? Playing with doodlebugs.

Don't we all? Myriads of mighty angels encircle us, the presence of our Maker engulfs us, the witness of a thousand galaxies and constellations calls to us, the flowing tide of God's history carries us, the crowning of Christ as King of the universe awaits us, but we can't get our eyes off the doodlebugs of life: pay checks, gadgets, vacations, and weekends.

Open your eyes, Christ invites. Lift up your gaze. "Seek first the kingdom of God" (Matthew 6:33 NKJV). Limit your world to the doodlebugs of this life, and, mark it down, you will be disappointed. Limit your story to the days between your birth and death, and brace yourself for a sad ending. You were made for more than this life.